Sanford and Sin…or is it Sanford and Spin?

From the New York Daily News:

He’s America’s newest Luv Guv – and he admits he’s a lying two-timer who’s hurt those who love him most.

South Carolina’s wandering Gov. Mark Sanford arrived home from a secret six-day jaunt to Buenos Aires to tearfully confess to an affair with an Argentine hottie – which included graphic e-mails in which he professed his love for her body and her “tan lines.”

Kids, I want you to all click over to Sardonyx’s diary over at the big orange and check out the musical masterpiece he wrote. Go on! I’ll wait. When you’re done, come back here, and I have another little ditty for you. It’s sing-along night at the raisin!

“I spent the last five days of my life crying in Argentina,” a tanned Sanford confessed at an extraordinary, rambling news conference in Columbia, S.C.

…snip…

Sanford choked up as he delivered a long series of apologies: to his wife, his four sons, his in-laws, his friends, his staff – and to people of faith and his state.

…snip…

Jenny Sanford, the governor’s wife, issued a statement saying she had kicked him out two weeks ago, but would give him another shot.

…snip…

He did not quit his job running South Carolina, but his many political enemies in the state were already muttering about impeachment.

Sanford had been missing since last Thursday. His staff claimed he was hiking the Appalachian trail.

…snip…

The State newspaper of Columbia published e-mails between the governor and his mistress, identified only as Maria, that ranged from steamy to heartbreaking.

…snip…

His wife discovered the affair five months ago, Sanford said.

He said they’ve been working to reconcile, but did not explain how his six-day Argentine adventure fit into that scenario.

The governor, who had been much talked of as a 2012 presidential candidate and won praise among conservatives for refusing federal stimulus money, is the latest rising GOP star to take a long fall – and the second in a week.

Nevada Sen. John Ensign, another possible 2012 candidate and a vocal moralizer, confessed last week to having an affair and employing – then firing – his mistress and her husband.

…snip…

Sanford, an Episcopalian, antagonized his state’s born-again Christians a year ago by refusing to sign a bill to let motorists proclaim their faith on their license plates. “It is my personal view that the largest proclamation of one’s faith ought to be in how one lives one’s life,” he said then.

Former Mayor Rudy Giuliani, a friend of Sanford’s whose own affair with now-wife Judith Giuliani hobbled his presidential chances, advised the South Carolina governor to just “tell the truth.”

“You are human, you make terrible mistakes, you commit sins,” he told Fox News.

“The whole Christian religion is about salvation and redemption. I really believe that and he really believes that,” he said. “I just pray that they work it out.”

To the tune of Carolina in the Morning, Words by Howard Dietz, Music by Arthur Schwartz, performed by Al Jolson:

I took an airliner, to get out of Carolina,
I was horny…
Guided by my wiener, made my way to Argentina,
I was horny!
I was misbehaving, not hiking on the Trail,
Truth is, I was craving, some Buenos Aires tail,
And then as though to spite me, the truth came out to bite me,
Please don’t scorn me,
I’m getting chewed up by the press, they don’t like how I confess,
Next time, warn me.
If I had Aladdin’s lamp,
For only a day,
I could blame this on,
A marriage that’s gay.
Take a walk in my shoes,
I have needs,
Not fam’ly values,
I’m too hoooooorny!

* * *

With the sordid stories, coming to the fore,
All my former glories, they went right out the door,
So I gave my staff some orders–gather up all the reporters,
This is thorny,
In order to control the flap, I’ll throw in some religious crap,
Though it’s corny,
If I had Aladdin’s lamp,
For only a day,
I’d be more than just,
A Rethug cliché.
I’ve read the buzz on Twitter,
My career is in the shitter,
And I’m hoooooorny!

* * *

Home in Carolina, is where I should’a been,
But the call of a vagina, led me into sin,
Because of my capitulence, I pissed off my constituents,
They’re in mourning,
They pimped me up as so clean-cut, but now that they know I’m a slut,
They’ve stopped fawning,
If I had Aladdin’s lamp,
For only a day,
Wouldn’t’ve screwed around,
On Father’s day.
Don’t mean to be a whiner,
But it sucks in Carolina,
When I’m hoooooorny!

By the way, kids, how many of you, after taking unapproved leave from your job for 7 days could then take some more time off to spend with your family, not because of illness, but because you got your dinky stinky with someone other than your wife? One other thing–if the governor spent all his time in Argentina crying, did he do that crying on the beach? If not, where did he get the tan? Just wonderin’…

21 Comments

Filed under Christianity, humor, music parody, parody, politics, religion, Republicans, Rudy Giuliani, Scandals, snark, South Carolina, television, Wordpress Political Blogs

21 responses to “Sanford and Sin…or is it Sanford and Spin?

  1. jeb

    Just freakin’ one time can we get someone, anyone, who doesn’t step up to the microphone and do the “I hurt my family and those who cared for me” whine while nudging out a tear crap? I saw the clip from the archive of then Rep. Sandford lecturing a reporter that Clinton lied and that causes a loss of faith in the government. Then this sack of crap went out and voted for 3 of the 4 articles of impeachment.

    Tar and feathers anyone?

    • jeb,
      serial murderers who apologize in court after their convictions are more sincere in their apologies than these guys. sanford’s speech, in particular, sounded like an acceptance speech for an oscar. you know how they yammer on and on, afraid that they’ll forget to thank their accountant or personal shopper. marky mark should have brought up the phone book and apologized to each name individually.

  2. Now the story is out that he cut his trip short because there was such a furor over his being missing. He was planning on being gone 10 days, and didn’t think anyone would miss him. But he is going to reconcile with his wife, sure he is.. Is she really that dumb.. They said it is her money.. His a** would be out the door so fast and he would be broke if it was me. He is already paying back the state for 1 trip, how many more is he going to be paying for?

    I think there is more to come.

    • i’m sure there’s a lot more that we don’t yet know about. i don’t believe for a minute that his wife is taking him back. they are acting out some kind of written script right now. i don’t think he’s staying with her for her money. his family wasn’t exactly on food stamps.

  3. jeb

    Great song by the way Nonnie (just had to spew my bile first) and this line is a classic:

    They pimped me up as so clean-cut, but now that they know I’m a slut,

    • thanks jeb! :) i wrote it in about 5 minutes. well, the original version. it was just one verse, and not the full one at that. i kept thinking of something new and adding to it. i even got up out of bed when i was trying to fall asleep to scribble down some notes so i wouldn’t forget. it grew until it was the same length as the original.

  4. So you finally relented and used “Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego” after all. I’m thrilled.

    • actually, i made the poster for sar yesterday. he wrote asking if he could use the carmen sandiego poster for his diary. i told him i didn’t have a carmen sandiego poster. however, he said that the one from the other day was close enough. i decided to surprise him with a bona fide carmen poster, and he used both of them. i had a new movie poster all ready to go for tonight, but when i got so busy with my little song, i decided to split everything up into 2 separate diaries, and decided to use this poster over here.

      glad that you’re thrilled! :D (or at least you were before my long drawn-out explanation nobody asked for! :wink: )

  5. **claps** Excellent & witty repartee.

    I’d love to see this version in a broadway musical- maybe send it to Capitol Steps…..

    • thanks fran! :)
      my best friend’s hubby used to be one of the capitol steps. she forwarded one of my songs to them a couple of years ago, but they won’t take submissions from the outside. i would be curious to see how this song would be choreographed though! :wink:

  6. Dusty

    Love your graphics o’ Queen of the Photoshop! ;)

    As for Sanford..I really could give two shits about his personal transgressions..for moi, its the hypocrisy and the coverup.

    I hope the dumb bastard spent taxpayer money and gets his ass booted out of office for all this hypocrisy and coveringup. It’s what he deserves.

    Like most phony christians, he thinks he can do as he pleases then just spill his guts and all will be right.I call bullshit on that!

    Everytime I go over to Dkos, I could spend all day reading comments its a strange world over there. :lol:

    • Friend of the court

      now that he has been busted, he plans to pay back the money.

    • thanks, dusty! :)
      for me, it’s the mystery! :shock: i have a new theory that i laid out over at fran’s place. it goes like this:

      first, i’m sure that marky mark’s wife jenny knew all about where he was, and i wonder if she’s the anonymous source who tipped off the reporters in the first place. she had that little handout for reporters ready pretty quickly, and the entire thing was all about what a wonderful wife she was and how she had no blame in the matter. i think jenny will play the stoic scorned southern belle to perfection, only to rise from the ashes to run for governor of south carolina. the word is that she’s already the power behind the throne. she ran marky mark’s campaign, so she knows how to raise money and she has plenty of her own. i think that quite a bit of this was scripted by jenny herself.

      • Dusty

        Oh I know about Jenny and her running his campaigns and all. She is one smart cookie and I wouldn’t have a hard time believing that she tipped off the press.

        Wasn’t she a bigtime Wall Streeter before he starting running for public office?

        • yes she was. she’s no tammy wynette, and i don’t think she’s going to stand by her man. she may do so publicly for her own reasons, but behind closed doors, i bet it’s a totally different scenario.

        • dusty, my dear, i’ve tried 4 times to leave a comment over at your place. something’s broken!

          • Dusty

            Did you try to refresh the page? I am real tired of people having these problems. It’s either blogger or Intense Debate. Sorry Nonnie. :(

            • i refreshed the page several times. i closed the window and then went back. the weirdest part is that half of my comment is still there, even when i close the window and go back. on the bottom, i have to keep entering my name, email, and web addy. when i go back, that’s gone, but half of my comment remains. no matter what i do, it’s stuck that way. i’ll try it again and see if it works. nope, still the same. my info is gone from the bottom, and half my comment is just sitting there. :(

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