Hollow Weenies

(ChattahBox)—Oh my! According to Evangelicals, miniature snickers and milky ways are cursed by witches and demons. Pat Robertson’s Christian Broadcasting Network website posted quite the bizarre little Evangelical manifesto against the satanic dangers of Halloween. CBN contributor Kimberly Daniels, a self described “recognized prophetic voice,” wrote an unhinged rant against Halloween claiming, “most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches.”


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Daniels also warned of sex with demons and revel nights. And that witches on brooms, mummies, werewolves and Dracula “actually exist.”

Soon after the wacky piece entitled, “The Danger of Celebrating Halloween,” appeared on the CBN website it mysteriously disappeared, no doubt from mass mockery, but it remains cached and it has been re-posted on another site, thank goodness.

Read the insanity below for your Halloween Eve enjoyment:

“During Halloween, time-released curses are always loosed. A time-released curse is a period that has been set aside to release demonic activity and to ensnare souls in great measure … During this period demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities. These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings. For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches.

I do not buy candy during the Halloween season. Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door to door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store. The demons cannot tell the difference.

…snip…

Halloween is much more than a holiday filled with fun and tricks or treats. It is a time for the gathering of evil that masquerades behind the fictitious characters of Dracula, werewolves, mummies and witches on brooms. The truth is that these demons that have been presented as scary cartoons actually exist. I have prayed for witches who are addicted to drinking blood and howling at the moon.

While the lukewarm and ignorant think of these customs as “just harmless fun,” the vortexes of hell are releasing new assignments against souls.

…snip…

The word “occult” means “secret.” The danger of Halloween is not in the scary things we see but in the secret, wicked, cruel activities that go on behind the scenes. These activities include:

* Sex with demons
* Orgies between animals and humans
* Animal and human sacrifices
* Sacrificing babies to shed innocent blood
* Rape and molestation of adults, children and babies
* Revel nights
* Conjuring of demons and casting of spells
* Release of “time-released” curses against the innocent and the ignorant.”

Well, that sure as heck is gonna put a damper on the trick-or-treat festivities. I know three little buddies from the Senate who were all ready to eat candy until their tummies ached and their blood sugar levels got out of control (don’t worry, kids, they have the best health insurance coverage our money can buy!). I made a bunch of crap up My infallible confidential sources got me some pictures so that I could share them with you. Early in the evening, Lindseypoo Lindsey Graham was so excited, he put his costume on before anyone else!


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Captain Underpants John McCain sure looked surprised, and Holy Joe McLiebercain Lieberman thought the whole thing was hilarious!

Then it was Captain Underpants John McCain’s turn to put on his Halloween best.


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I bet that got Lindseypoo Lindsey Graham all excited and reaching for the Olive “Oyl!” Heh!

Last but not least, it was Holy Joe McLiebercain Lieberman’s turn to show off his finery. As you can see, he’s equipped to stab just about anyone in the back!


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What a shame all that good candy got all demon-y and evil. Oh well, fellas, there’s always next year!

30 Comments

Filed under Christianity, humor, Joe Lieberman, John McCain, Lindsey Graham, movies, parody, Pat Robertson, politics, Republicans, snark, Wordpress Political Blogs

30 responses to “Hollow Weenies

  1. hey kids,
    happy halloween!

    my computer got some kind of nasty virus and keeps crashing. it’s unusable. using the offspring’s computer just to post this (i can’t maneuver so forgive the lack of correct tags). be back tomorrow with any luck.

  2. I’d rather have demons and witches in my Snickers than, say, razor blades… but that’s just me.

  3. Sue

    friggin hilarious pictures!!

  4. What I want to know is who hires all of these witches for the season. Are they taken on as temp employees, or just contractors?

    Time-release curses? I think perhaps that she’s thinking of the meds she’s supposed to be taking. Those might be on a timed release, but apparently she’s not getting enough.

    What’s really weird is that there are people who STILL don’t realize that Pat Robertson is insane.

  5. Your computer has a virus? Oh please, that doesn’t actually happen. Your computer has clearly been prayed over by witches and then had sex with a demon.

    • Friend of the court

      I had an error message that said my disc surface had a mistake. It took me about three hours, on Sunday morning, to get my computer back from the goddamn computer. Anyway, it is better now.

  6. jeb

    OK, Kimberly wins the scariest costume award.

    I wonder if there is a curse expiration date on time release cursed candy?

  7. “most of the candy sold during this season has
    been dedicated and prayed over by witches.”

    Do they charge extra for that???

    Also…. maybe the Dems need to look into this Voodoo regarding Repugs & blue dog dems….

    * Conjuring of demons and casting of spells
    * Release of “time-released” curses against the ignorant.

    ***P.S. Sorry your computer is haunted on this day….bummah!

  8. Happy Halloween! Sorry your computer is “haunted.” I hope you get it exorcised soon!

  9. I’m of the opinion that any rube that gets rooked by that stopped clock with no hands Robertson deserves to see their dreams get locked away and sold to strangers for a nickel.

    Out, evil spirits that have possessed Nonnie’s computer!

    ;>)

  10. i hope robertson eats chocolated laced with exlax

  11. writechic

    Hahahahahaha! Pat never looked more in his element! ;-)

  12. The bar for right wing batshittedness keeps getting lower and lower. AWESOME!

  13. Friend of the court

    hay, nonnie!

  14. I’m starting to go into withdrawal.

  15. jeb

    Nonnie, please come back and please buy anti-virus software, update your definition files and run scans. I recommend McAfee.

  16. Foreigner

    Bwahaha…i need my fix..i need my fix….Nonnie please come back

  17. oh my! i wanted to answer all the comments that were left while i was in computer hell (still there, but starting to climb out), but i had no idea how many there would be. forgive me for the composite answer.

    terry, thanks for the well-wishes. my son builds computers. i don’t know if he can build a mac. i’ll have to ask.

    zencomix, i agree. i’ll pass on the razor blades and go for the evil candy every time.

    fotc, thank you for keeping everyone entertained with your hilarious comments. i won’t even try to compete.

    sue, glad you enjoyed to silly pics. sorry that it was all thrown together in such a hurry.

    wickle, i want to know when the witches begin putting their hexes on the candy and how they know which candy will be for halloween. does the curse still exist if you buy the candy on the after-halloween candy sales?

    don, after seeing what it took to get the damned thing running again, i think you’re correct. this was no virus. it had to be the result of a witch’s curse (it must have eaten some halloween candy) and doing the nasty with a demon. :twisted:

    jeb, great minds think alike. i was wondering the same thing. i still have candy for my little neighbors, because i didn’t see them on halloween. i can’t find the curse expiration date, so i’m hoping i won’t be dooming them if i give them their candy now.

    fran, stay tuned for the next scam on the 700 club. you send in your kids’ halloween candy so they can remove the curse. it will only cost a couple of hundred bucks.

    neon vincent, it wasn’t that bad until it started projectile vomiting a pea soup-like substance and the monitor kept spinning around.

    darkblack, before the internets and all the information about what greedy hypocrites these televangelists are, it was possibly to feel sorry for the people they roped in. now, however, they’re just asking for it.

    hello jeremy richards. welcome to the raisin! :D sorry i wasn’t here to greet you properly.

    dcAp, exlax is too good for ol’ pat. he should be force-fed all that evil halloween candy. if he doesn’t die, he should be burned at the stake as a witch.

    wcp, ol’ pat has an element? if he does, i think it would be sulphur. it smells really, really bad.

    z, we keep thinking that they’ve reached maximum crazy, but they keep proving us wrong.

    don’t cry, foreigner! i’m back. not 100% yet, but we’ll get there. :)

    thanks to all for sticking around. i love you guys!! :D

  18. Now that’s some funny comments! Pet peeve: Halloween hysteria. Let us go back to the late 70s where a Houston optometrist was on the verge of loosing his practice because of debt. This misguided soul got the bright idea to collect $10,000 by poisoning his young daughter with cyanide in giant pixie stix. He made sure all the kids in her group got them but insisted she “try” hers. Several years later, O’Brian was the second person put to death with the new death penalty in Texas. And here’s my point. This incident generated 30 years of hysteria in TV coverage of dire warnings, x-rayed candy, every goddamn year to the next that a dedicated group of perverts, tricksters, whatever were going to attack your children. It never happened. It never will happen. Razor blades in apples, please! And that puting pins in stuff was from that Stooges episode where they work in the doughnut shop. It never happens, because if it did you would surely be hearing about somebody getting beaten to death for hurting little kids. Local TV finally stoped running that nonsense several years ago. And Pat, you can bite the big one!

    • i thought you were done going through the old posts, jerry! i’m glad you commented in this one, because i got to reread the comments. i was rather frazzled the first time i got to them, so thanks for calling my attention to them, because the raisinettes are funny as hell! :lol:

      stories about razor blades in apples have been around longer than 30 years, so i’ll wager that the shithead you reference got his idea to poison his daughter from the urban legend rather than the other way around. you know how the news is, though, especially some of the local stations. they love sensationalism, so if nothing sensational happens, they’ll just make something up.

  19. Yea, I thought I was through too but realized I hadn’t looked at the replies, most quite nice. You’re right, the O’Brian case only reinforced it but did it ever. My other peeve is how merchandizers and adults have hijacked Halloween from the kids. It all started when Elvira started pushing Coors way back when. Reading all these archives (or currant events) with the relevant topic of the day and the opinions/discussions reminds me off what Woodrow Wilson said after seeing Birth of the Nation: “It makes history come alive”

    • currant events! :lol: i love that! you know i’m gonna be using that in the future!

      p.s. jerry, if you click on where it says reply in blue, your response will appear right under the comment you’re responding to rather than sinking to the bottom of the queue.

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