Ron Paul, Check Your Brows-er

From The New York Times:

IT wasn’t quite the slip-up (or slip-down, as it were) most people expect during a presidential campaign, but whatever happened to Ron Paul’s eyebrows at Tuesday night’s debate certainly caught some viewers’ attention.

For those of you not yet riveted by the Republican race, Mr. Paul, the dark-horse libertarian with equally dusky brows, was a victim of hot lights, faulty adhesive or merely a devilish optical illusion when his right eyebrow seemed to dip toward the stage at Dartmouth College.

Seen on television, Mr. Paul appeared to have a second, thinner brow under the one headed south, creating a delicate X over his right eye.

To tell you the truth, kids, I didn’t even notice, so it probably wasn’t that obvious.
ayn rand
(additional pictures below)

Jesse Benton, a campaign spokesman, insisted that Mr. Paul had been the victim of the elements, namely a heavy pollen season in New Hampshire, and called accusations that he’d been artificially enhancing “stupid” and “insulting.”

So he sneezed his eyebrow off?

Whatever the cause, eyebrow toupees appear to be a flourishing business. Experts in the field of eyebrow maintenance said that if the falling follicles were artificial, the buck should stop somewhere. Marina Valmy de Haydu, the executive vice president of the Christine Valmy beauty schools, said most glues used to apply false eyebrows were designed to withstand the rigors of stage lights and intense questions about the national debt.

“Those glues are almost indestructible,” Ms. De Haydu said. “So whoever put it on for him did not put it on correctly.”

Not that anyone did.

I was thinking, kids, that if Ron Paul wears fake eyebrows, maybe he should try some different styles.  You know how i love helping the Rethugs, so I put together some suggestions. With candidates like Botox Batshit Bachmann and Herb Herman 9-9-9 Cain getting all the attention, I think Crazy Ol’ Ron needs a bit of a dramatic flair. And nobody does drama like Joan Crawford…

But it’s not just about getting attention, it’s about getting votes. So let’s see what we can do to attract some voters to Crazy Ol’ Ron. Here’s an idea. He can make believe that he cares about the environment and go with some colorful caterpillars. To appeal to the Teabaggers and the fundie right, he can tell them that the caterpillars are dead. They love when things are killed…

Of course, if he’s going for those who like science (you know, non-Rethuglicans), then what better draw than the science officer himself, Mr. Spock? Maybe he can fool some people into thinking some of his utter bullshit is logical…

We know that the Rethuglicans are not very popular with minority voters, so what better to attract some Latino votes than Frida Kahlo’s unibrow?

Then again, never discount the classics, especially if you want people to think you have a lighter side. Besides, Crazy Ol’ Ron might attract some Marxist votes with a little help from Groucho…

Maybe he wants to go the lovable curmudgeon road. Andy Rooney gave up his regular gig on 60 Minutes, so maybe he’d be willing to lend Crazy Ol’ Ron his trademark eye awnings…

The base is very important, too, so I suggest a Ming the Merciless vibe. That will certainly appeal to those who cheer executions and don’t care if a woman bleeds to death, because she was denied an abortion at an emergency room…

But, you know, I think that maybe it’s best that Crazy Ol’ Ron stick with his true self.   Oscar the Grouch eyebrows are the ones that look the most natural…

30 Comments

Filed under abortion, humor, parody, politics, Republicans, Ron Paul, snark, Wordpress Political Blogs

30 responses to “Ron Paul, Check Your Brows-er

  1. John Erickson

    Andy Rooney unibrow. Absolutely! (The Spock version should have pointy ears, though he’d look more like a sneaky Romulan. Sorry, just had to geek out there.) :D

    • i’m soooo tired today. yesterday, raisin headquarter’s kitchen flooded. water was going straight from the faucet through the garbage disposal and into the cabinet. i had to drag all the nasty soggy boxes of storage bags, brita filters, aluminum foil, etc. out of the cabinet and mop everything up. the plumber came out and replaced the disposal and fixed a leaky pipe under the sink. 200 bucks. :shock: i got almost no sleep, and i was seeing double while i was photoshopping. i really wanted to make mini little randy toupees for his dad’s eyebrows, but i was too tired.

  2. I like the idea of messing with Ron Paul’s eyebrows better than simply painting a mustache and goatee on his portrait. More variety and expressiveness!

  3. My vote is for the live caterpillars.

  4. I second the caterpillars. :lol:

    I saw the photo from the debate. And WEIRD. Seriously.

    • i didn’t even notice until i saw the picture, because his eyebrows are always weird. well, that and i rarely looked over at the tv. i’m always on the computer when i’m watching tv.

  5. elizabeth3hersh

    Possibly your funniest post ever nonnie! Loved it! I might have added a pic of Paul with some shrapnel embedded in his brows (had he dined in close proximity to the Saudi ambassador, that is, if the plan had not been foiled). I’m afraid even that would not have changed his mind about his non-interventionist strategy with Iran.

  6. The eyes have it! What I can’t figure out though, is this highbrow or lowbrow humor? (you just can’t get a “break” on that darned plumbing. This week my sevice line from the goldmine started spewing from a connector like Old Faithfull. After attacking with the sawsall, three pvc bends, a can of slovent I had it fixed in three hours, cost: $9.40….I would offer to fix yours if you lived closer)

    • damn! why didn’t i think of highbrow or lowbrow for the title? :x

      i wish you lived closer, jerry. there’s tons of work here that needs to be done. have you noticed that our floods seem to coincide? weird.

  7. Those are brilliant! I love the Enterprise logos attached on his collar with the Spock eyebrows.

    And, to be honest, the Ming eyebrows look good on him.

    But, yes, Oscar the Grouch is the way to go.

    This is sheer brilliance, Nonnie! Thanks!

    • thanks wken! now that my eyes are a bit less bleary, i think i’m leaning toward the andy rooney or the oscar the grouch brows. they look the most natural. the caterpillars are the most fun though.

  8. Snoring Dog Studio

    Even on little sleep, you are brilliant! This is one of your best posts! Although, I have to say, the photos all frighten me a bit. Paul has no intimate relationship with manscaping, that’s for sure. And he wants to claim “victimhood”? Why, that’s just so unlibertarian!

    So sorry to hear about the plumbing disaster! Criminy! These things we can least afford now!!

    • awww, shucks, sds! :oops: you made me blush. i’m just a photoshopping dabbler. i wish i could paint like you do.

      there’s a larger plumbing disaster looming here. i’ve told the condo about it, because they’re the ones who threaded pipe throughout the attic and the walls that was banned about 6 months after they installed it. it’s just a matter of time before they burst. i’ve told them about it, so they are fully aware and can’t claim innocence when it finally happens. oh, the wonders of home ownership!

  9. jay

    At least now we get to know that Ron Paul is not the unibrow type :D

  10. this whole post smacks of Elder Abuse….. gees, next you are going to dis him for his brand of adult diapers. Shame on you… shame shame shame…. but I am thinking a little Viagra coulda helped that eyebrow, see.

  11. Oh crap … this is a great one. I can see how you could keep going. As for me, I like the Rooney look. More importantly, I hope the water issue is no longer.

  12. I lurves me some caterpillars, but yewww, that’s just way too much ron paul.
    We gotta do somethin’ about your plumbing karma, girlfriend; seriously… :-[

    • i was very happy my eyes were all bleary so i didn’t have to look at a clear picture of crazy ol’ ron over and over again.

      home repairs get me so pissed off, because i know how to do a lot of them, but i’m not strong enough and no longer flexible enough to do them myself.

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