The Philadelphia Phillies made history by losing its 10.000th game Sunday night. Now, I haven’t followed baseball for a while, but, if I remember correctly, 10,000 losses is not a good thing.
The St. Louis Cardinals handed the Phillies the loss (which might be a good thing, because I hear that this past week was not a very good one for cardinals!).
The franchise began in 1883 as the Philadelphia Quakers. All of the players left to make oatmeal, and the team changed the name to the Phillies in 1890.
They became the Blue Jays in 1943, but all of those guys must have moved to Toronto, so they changed the name back to the Phillies in 1945. (note: All of these facts may not be accurate, because I made them up except for the dates and the names.)
According to Sports Encyclopedia, between 1945 and now, a lot of stuff happened to the team, but the entry is really, really long, so I didn’t read it. Anyway, as it stands today, the Phillies are the losingest team in baseball history (that’s from this article, which is a lot shorter but still kinda long, so I didn’t read most of that either).
To make matters worse, their 10,000th loss occurred in Philadelphia. What
is even worser is worsest of all really sucks is that one of the Cardinals’ players, Albert Pujols, hit 2 of the 6 Cardinal home runs that led to the 10-2 final score. What’s bad about that? His last name sounds like poo holes!!!! Who wants to lose to a guy whose last name sounds like…..well, like poo holes!!!!
Some well-known figures were in the crowd, and they were asked about the momentous loss.
White House press secretary Tony Snow was there. “Well, Philadelphia gets really hot during the summer, so I think they should all go on vacation.”
Leg press master, Pat Robertson, could barely conceal his contempt. “What do you expect?” he snarled, “Philadephia is the city of brotherly love, and we all know what that’s code for!! This loss is a sign from above that the homosexual agenda should not flourish!”
Michael Chertoff, Homeland Security chief looked a little dyspeptic. “I had a feeling in my gut that they were going to lose,” he said.
Editor of the Weekly Standard,
wingnut Bush apologist chickenshit chickenhawk neoconservative William Kristol pundited, “Let’s step back from the unnecessary mistakes and the self-inflicted wounds that have characterized the Phillies association. Let’s look at the broad bats rather than their often unlovely balls.”
Senator Joe Lieberman didn’t seem to want to believe that the game was over. “The Phillies are just beginning to surge. They are being effective,” he opined. “They have the Cardinals on the run!”
A reporter caught up with Senator Lindsey Graham at the hotdog stand after the game. When asked about the Phillies’ loss, he replied forcefully, “I think General Petraeus will determine who won this game in September, but in July, we’re not going to let umpires decide based on the facts of the moment.” He continued, but his words were garbled as he began to lovingly caress his hotdog with his tongue.
Dick Cheney grimaced and insisted that, although the Phillies lost to the Cardinals, the Phillies should bomb Yankee Stadium. Then he shot the reporter in the face.
George W. Bush, a big baseball fan, said, “I have a plan for the Phillies so they can win this game. We just have to give it more time. Besides, they haven’t lost until I say that they lost. I’m the decider, and i can commuturate the score anytime I want.”
John McCain had to be reached by telephone, as he didn’t have enough money to buy a ticket to the game.