Homeland Security: The Reel Story

Hey, kids, are you sitting down? I have some bad news. We are out of bullets. Well, when I say we, I mean our first line of defense here in the homeland–the police. The Washington Post has the scoop:

Troops training for and fighting the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan are firing more than 1 billion bullets a year, contributing to ammunition shortages hitting police departments nationwide and preventing some officers from training with the weapons they carry on patrol.


One police department is considering a novel solution:

In Indianapolis, police spokesman Lt. Jeff Duhamell said the department has enough ammunition for now, but is considering using paint balls during a two-week training course, during which recruits fire normally fire about 1,000 rounds each.[sic]

Hold on there!! Paint balls? You can’t substitute paint balls for bullets!! Haven’t they considered what that will do to our society? What about the macho image? Who are we gonna scare if the evil doers know that all they need to fight us is a can of turpentine? Even worse, what about our popular culture? Consider the following:

Edward G. Robinson and George Raft were tough guys in the movies. In fact, George Raft was rumored to be a gangster in real life. He was good friends with Bugsy Siegel. In 1930, Edward G. Robinson won acclaim for his portrayal of a gangster in Little Caesar. Can you imagine how different the future of American films would have been if Raft and Robinson had been forced to make movies like this in 1955?
Original DVD cover.

Audie Murphy was a war hero. However, would he have achieved the popularity that he did if this was what the studios were churning out in 1959?
Original DVD cover.

Would there have been a Mississippi Burning or an Unforgiven for Gene Hackman or a Murphy Brown for Candice Bergen had they been chewing on spherical gelatin capsules containing primarily polyethylene glycol, other non-toxic and water-soluble substances, and dye in 1975?

Original DVD cover.

Do you love John Cusack? Me, too! However, would we love him as much as we do now, had this bit of fluff come down the pike in 1993?

Original DVD cover.

So, you see what I mean. Whad’ya mean you don’t see what I mean? My point is that this country needs more bullets!! Without bullets, our entire culture is a lie, make-believe. Now that I think about it, I guess that movies really are just make-believe, figments of individuals’ imaginations. Of course, under the Cheney Chimpy Bush Administration and the gut of Michael Chertoff, that is exactly what homeland security is, too.


Filed under Afghanistan, Audie Murphy, Candice Bergen, Chimpy, Dick Cheney, Edward G. Robinson, Gene Hackman, George Raft, George W. Bush, GWOT, Homeland Security, humor, Iraq War, John Cusack, Michael Chertoff, movies, parody, politics, snark

5 responses to “Homeland Security: The Reel Story

  1. nightowl724

    The next thing you know, they’ll be declaring that any military inductee who’s been “trained on paintballs” is ready for immediate deployment to Iraq!

    Just watch what happens to the price of paintball guns and supplies now! What will they use when the inevitable paintball shortage occurs? BBs? Cap guns? Nerf balls? Squirt guns? Those guns that shoot flags that say “bang?” Their index fingers? Spitballs? Video simulations?

    Maybe it’s just an excuse to confiscate the ammo owned by private citizens! GWOT, ya know?

    Thanks for another lost night of sleep, nonnie, as I ponder the NUTballs in office and the true meaning of “homeland security”…

    Seriously — great job!

  2. nonnie9999

    sorry for your lost night of sleep, but it’s my duty to tell the kids what is going on. wonder what will happen when we run out of all the things that you mentioned as substitutes. how much you want to bet that the crooks won’t have any trouble finding ammo?

  3. Friend of the court

    Bows and arrows, slingshots and Molitov Coctails, where there is a will, there is a way. Hell, 19 guys with box knives destroyed the “Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave”. They brought America to it’s knees without firing a shot. And we responded by throwing the Bill of Rights at them and attacking a country that had nothing to do with the attack. It’s hard to believe that the military has fired over a billion bullets in the GWOT, (Global War On Truth). If they had used that many paintballs, every building in Iraq would have a fresh coat, not just the schools.

  4. nonnie9999

    if there were top comments over here, this would be my all-time favorite, fotc!
    we can all take heart that, should be be totally out of ammo, we can always shoot our enemies dirty looks.

  5. nightowl724

    You two are…TOO MUCH!