He Could Have Kept His Seat, if He Hadn’t Used the Throne

WASHINGTON (MarketWatch) — Idaho Sen. Larry Craig, facing sharp criticism from fellow Republicans in the wake of his June arrest in an airport men’s room, will announce his resignation Saturday, according to news reports.

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Original DVD cover.

Damn! If only Senator Larry Un-gay Craig had not needed to use the crapper that fateful day!

From the arrest transcript:

CRAIG: So I go into the bathroom here as I normally do, I’m a commuter too here.

OFFICER: Okay.

CRAIG: I sit down, um, to go to the bathroom and ah, you said our feet bumped. I believe they did ah because I reached down and scooted over and um, the next think I knew, under the bathroom divider comes a card that says Police. Now, um, (sigh) that’s about as far as I can take it. I don’t know of anything else. Ah, your foot came toward mine, mine came towards yours, was that natural? I don’t know. Did we bump? Yes. I think we did. You said so. I don’t disagree with that.

I don’t know about you, but my feet are constantly bumping into those in other stalls. I do wear a size 28EEEEEE shoe, though:

OFFICER: Um, you you’re skipping some parts here, but what what about your hand?

CRAIG: What about it? I reached down, my foot like this. There was a piece of paper on the floor. I picked it up.

Wow! that must be some important piece of paper if he had to pick it up off a public restroom floor! I wonder what it was. Maybe he dropped his driver’s license, Social Security card, a hundred dollar bill…..

OFFICER: Okay, And then with the hand. Um, how many times did you put your hand under the stall?

CRAIG: I don’t recall. I remember reaching down once. There was a piece of toilet paper back behind me and picking it up.

Toilet paper!! All this just because of a 3″x3″ sheet of toilet paper!! It doesn’t matter that it was an invisible sheet of toilet paper that the officer could not see. It was still a sheet that brought down a sitting (literally) senator. A sheet so dastardly–a scandal sheet!!

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Senator Craig, your fellow Rethuglicans have deemed you guilty. That you did something illegal doesn’t matter. After all, what Senator David Vitter did was illegal, but none of your fellow Rethugs (or you, for that matter) were wringing your hankies and demanding he resign. Your party, the Rethuglican party, is one of intolerance. You chose to align yourself with homophobic bigots who rally their faithful with promises of denying rights to American citizens based only on their sexual preference.

In closing, Senator Craig, if your pants are still down, I suggest you kiss your ass goodbye.

15 Comments

Filed under David Vitter, Gay rights, Homosexuality, humor, Larry Craig, movies, Mr. Whipple, parody, politics, Republicans, Scandals, snark

15 responses to “He Could Have Kept His Seat, if He Hadn’t Used the Throne

  1. Friend of the court

    If Larry Craig isn’t lying, he is a complete idiot. What kind of ‘judgement’, is indicated by picking up a piece of toilet paper, in a stall in a public bathroom? The people, whose job it is to do that, wear gloves. I know that I will never shake the hand of another elected offocial. Gay or not gay, is not the issue, to me. It is the ’tissue issue’.

  2. nonnie9999

    tissue issue!!! 😆 i love it!!
    i wrote a 5000 word comment about the tissue issue in another diary over here:
    http://tinyurl.com/3yrqxl
    i said the same thing. who the hell picks up tp (or anything else) off a public bathroom’s floor? that’s what led to this diary.
    i don’t think i would want to shake hands with any elected official in any case. i hate having to count my fingers before and after to make sure they didn’t steal any! 🙂

  3. Hello Nonnie!! 😛

    This is a very good post and a perfect follow up to your 5,000 word comment made previously.

    Now that the rethuglian party has roundly condemned Craig for swiping his hand and tapping his foot, they could go on to roundly condemn Chimpy for starting the Iraq war, but that would never occur to the pee brains, of course 😦

    On another subject, I have determined (not difficult) that “How sh*t works” stinking website is a spam type website. It is therefore good policy to delete any comments that pop up here referencing his spammy wonderland, I have cleaned HR of his comments up to now. As we talked about before, we don’t mind if he puts links to HR up on his site though 😀

  4. nightowl724

    nonnie, I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned before how much I enjoy your article titles. Well, I just did, I suppose…

    I was drinking coffee when I spotted Mr. Whipple. Toilet paper was not enough to clean up THAT mess — only a Hefty paper towel could fill the bill. THEN, I saw the size 28EEEEEE clown feet under the stall door… My monitor has never been so clean since I bought it!

    Excellent point about Vitter, too.

    Very funny piece of work, kiddo!

  5. nightowl724

    fotc,

    “Tissue issue!”

    Hahahahahahahahaha!

  6. nightowl724

    mikko,

    I’m glad you said/did something about “How sh*t works.”

    I was beginning to wonder…

  7. nonnie9999

    hi mihgty mikk0mouse 😀 !!
    thank you. glad that you liked it. sometimes one (or 2 or 3–yeah, there’s another one tonight!! 😆 ) diary is just not enough to cover a subject, especially on as important as toilet paper!
    they won’t chastise chimpy. war is good. war makes money. gay is good, too, but only in order to stir up hatred so the base comes out to vote against their own interests!
    you are so smart!! deleting the shitty comments here, but not disturbing their sending us a little traffice now and then! brilliant, mighty mikk0mouse!! that is why you are so mighty! 🙂

  8. nonnie9999

    nightowl,
    thank you so much for that comment! i sweat over titles and sometimes change them 3 or 4 times, and i always wonder if anyone even notices the titles. sometimes, thinking up a title is harder than thinking up a movie to go with a story. so nice to know that at least one person is enjoying them.
    now, let’s get serious. are you making fun of my shoes? 😛

  9. nonnie9999

    doh! 🙄
    i meant to add that i actually changed the title (of the movie, not the diary) back to the original after putzing around making it Scandal Shit. i was fighting with it to try to make it look decent. i finally did, only to realize that i thought it was funnier if i left it as sheet and turned the focus to the toilet paper instead of what craig intimated that he was doing in the stall (men don’t admit to peeing sitting down, do they? and they don’t need tp, they just shake it dry, right? ), especially since the cop didn’t say that he saw any—ummm—evidence in the toilet afterwards.

  10. nightowl724

    HR is on my Google home page. Even when I only have time to read the your title at that moment, it makes me smile. It acts like an appetizer to what I know will later be a fine meal to be savored.

    Oh, yeah – I notice them alright… And, I recognize how much work they are and how important they are. I juggle mine, too, trying to make them snappy, inviting – and fit “nicely” on the DK home page, too. It makes me crazy when I write what I think is a great title, but it gets truncated some goofy way when I post!

    Hmmm… It would seem that Craig isn’t the only one who might be anal…

  11. nonnie9999

    i went nuts with the david beckham diary title. i crossposted the diary elsewhere, and i was frantically trying to shave off a couple of letters to make the title fit. i am not sure how the titles appear on feeds and on google, so it is quite possible that i have some embarrassing stuff floating out there.

  12. nightowl724

    I haven’t seen any embarrassing titles of yours. If I do, I’ll let you know. You could always subscribe to yourself to be sure, I suppose. I hope I didn’t give you something new to obsess over, nonnie!

  13. nonnie9999

    nah, no worries. i think it would funny if some title got truncated and sounded like something completely different.

  14. I just noticed how much Maliki looks like the Please-don’t-squeeze-the-Charming guy.

  15. nonnie9999

    he does! 🙂