Last night, John Shecky McCain and Barack Steverino Obama exchanged jokes at the 63rd annual Alfred E. Smith Memorial Dinner. The dinner is a charity event held by the Catholic Archdiocese of New York and benefits needy children.
Original DVD cover.
You can find videos of the event all over the internets (and make sure to note the guy behind Captain Underpants who never stops eating 😆 , but just in case you can’t watch them, here are the funny portions of the routines. They both ended with fake nice stuff about each other.
John Shecky McCain:
Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you very much, Your Excellency and Mayor Bloomberg, Governor Paterson, Senators Schumer and Clinton, Senator Obama, Al and Nan Smith, thank you all for the warm welcome.
It’s a privilege to be with all of you for the 63rd anniversary dinner of the Alfred E. Smith Memorial Foundation. And this is a very distinguished and influential audience and as good a place as any to make a major announcement. Events are moving fast in my campaign. And, yes, it’s true that this morning I dismissed my entire team of senior advisers. All of their positions will now be held by a man named “Joe the Plumber.”
Already — and already, my friends, my opponents have been subjecting Joe to their vicious attack machines. His veracity has been questioned by Barack Obama’s running mate Joe the six term senator.
He claims that this honest, hardworking small businessman could not possibly have enough income to face a tax increase under the Obama plan. What they don’t know — what they don’t know is “Joe the Plumber” recently signed a very lucrative contract with a wealthy couple to handle all the work on all seven of their houses.
This campaign needed the common touch of a working man. After all, it began so long ago with the heralded arrival of a man known to Oprah Winfrey as “The One.” Being a friend and colleague of Barack, I just called him That One.
And he — my friends, he doesn’t mind at all. In fact, he even has a pet name for me _ George Bush.
It’s been that kind of contest. And I come here tonight to the Al Smith Dinner knowing that I’m the underdog in these final weeks. But if you know where to look, there are signs of hope. There are signs of hope even in the most unexpected places — even in this room full of proud Manhattan Democrats. I can’t — I can’t shake that feeling that some people here are pulling for me.
I’m delighted to see you here tonight, Hillary.
Where’s Bill, by the way?
Can’t he take one night off from his tireless quest to make the man who defeated his wife the next president?
A man who’s a relentless advocate for the Obama campaign and he has this subtle approach to making the case.
When a reporter asked him if Senator Obama was qualified to be president, Bill Clinton pointed out, sure, he’s over 35 years of age and a U.S. citizen.
He was pandering to the strict constructionist crowd.
He’s also been hammering away at me with epitaphs like American hero and great man. And with all the cameras running, he warmly embraced me at that Global Initiative of his. My friends, this is nothing but a brazen attempt to suppress turnout among anti-Clinton conservatives.
Finally, when Larry King asked President Clinton a couple weeks ago what was the delay and why wasn’t he out there on the trail for Barack, Bill said his hands were tied until the end of the Jewish high holidays.
Now, you’ve got to admire that ecumenical spirit. I just know Bill would like to be out there now, stumping for Barack until the last hour of the last day. Unfortunately, he is constrained by his respect for any voters who might be observing the Zoroastrian new year.
And some advocates for Senator Obama are less restrained in their enthusiasm, even in the media. All right, he usually is at table 228, for example, my old friend and Green Room pal Chris Matthews. He used to like me, but he found somebody new — somebody who opened his eyes, somebody who gave him a thrill up his leg.
And we’ve talked about it. I told him maverick I can do, but messiah is above my pay grade.
You know, it’s going to be a long, long night at MSNBC if I manage to pull this thing off.
…I understand that Keith Olbermann has ordered up his very own “mission accomplished” banner. And they can hang that in whatever padded room has been reserved for him.
Seriously, Chris, if they need any decorating advice on that banner, ask Keith to call me so I can tell him right where to put it.
So, you know, I had fun with the media and we all know the press is really an independent, civic-minded and nonpartisan group, like ACORN…
In case you haven’t been following my opponent’s get out the vote campaign, ACORN is helping to register groups previously excluded, overlooked and underserved — second graders, the deceased, Disney characters. In Florida, they even turned up an ACORN registration form that bore the name of one Mickey Mouse. We’re checking the paw prints.Although, I might let that one go, I’m pretty sure the big rat’s a Republican.
Anyway, we all know that Senator Obama is ready for any contingency — even the possibility of a sudden and dramatic market rebound. I’m told that at the first sign of recovery, he will suspend his campaign and fly immediately to Washington to address this crisis.
This is where he said fakey nice stuff about Obama and nice stuff about Al Smith and the Archdiocese. He threw in a reference to being against abortion. Then:
With that, with that, my friends, let me make way for my opponent, who tonight is making a comedy debut that I guess we could call the final test of this campaign.
Now, a copy of the senator’s comedy routine was left on the table this evening. And I have to confess, Your Eminence, I looked at it. Now, of course, it would be unfair — and even a little unkind — to put my opponent on the spot before he gets up here or to throw him off his game with unreasonably high expectations. But I do need to warn you, ladies and gentlemen, you all are about to witness the funniest performance in history. In the 63-year history of this event…let’s not add to the mounting pressure he must be feeling. Just prepare yourself for nonstop hilarity…the funniest 15 minutes of your life or any other. I think he knows that anything short of that would mar the evening, insult our hosts, and perhaps even cost him several swing states. Senator Obama, the microphone is all yours.
Barack Steverino Obama:
Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you to Al and to Ann, to your Eminence, to governor Paterson and Mayor Bloomberg, to Senator and Mrs. McCain, to my wonderful colleagues, Senators Clinton and Schumer, to all the distinguished guests, there is no other crowd in America that I’d rather be palling around with right now. I’m sorry he couldn’t be here. I do send regards to my running mate, Joe Biden, or as Senator McCain has noted he now actually likes to be called Joe the Senator.
I was thrilled to get this invitation, and I feel right at home here because it’s often been said that I share the politics of Alfred E. Smith and the ears of Alfred E. Newman. But I have to say tonight’s venue isn’t really what I’m used to. I was originally told we’d be able to move this outdoors to Yankee stadium, and — can somebody tell me what happened to the Greek columns that I requested? I do love the Waldorf-Astoria, though. You know, I hear that from the doorstep you can see all the way to the Russian Tearoom. It is an honor to be here with Al Smith. I obviously never knew your great grandfather, but from everything that Senator McCain has told me, the two of them had a great time together before prohibition. So, wonderful stories.
The mayor of this great city, Michael Bloomberg, is here. the mayor recently announced some news — made some news by announcing he’s going to be rewriting the rules and running for a third term, which caused Bill Clinton to say, “you can do that?” The President’s better half, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton, is here. Glad to see you made it, Hillary. I’m glad to see that you made it because I heard Chuck Schumer actually tried to tell you that we really did move this event to Yankee stadium. But I’ll tell you all from personal experience, Hillary Clinton is one of the toughest and most formidable presidential candidates in history. She’s broken barriers. She’s inspired millions. She is the — she is the primary reason I have all this gray in my hair now.
I am also glad to see that Senator Schumer is here, and I see that he’s brought some of his loved ones. Those would be the folks with the cameras and to notebooks in the back of the room. Of course, I am especially honored to be here tonight with my distinguished opponent, Senator John McCain. I think it is a tribute to American democracy that with two weeks left in a hard-fought election, the two of us could come together and sit down at the same dinner table without preconditions. Recently, one of John’s top advisers told the “Daily News” that if we keep talking about the economy, McCain’s going to lose. So, tonight I’d like to talk about the economy.
Given all that’s happened these past few weeks on Wall Street, it feels like an odd time to be dressed up in white tie, but I must say I got a great deal, rented the whole outfit from the Treasury
Department at a very good price. Looking around tonight at all the gourmet food and champagne, it’s clear that no expenses were spared. It’s like an executive sale meeting at AIG. But I don’t need to tell any of you that it’s been a scary time on the stock market with people losing their investments, their entire fortunes. It’s gotten so bad Bloomberg now has to take the subway. And while the collapse of the housing market’s been tough on every single home owner, I think we all need to recognize that this crisis has been eight times harder on John McCain.
You know, we’ve been debating a lot of these economic issues over the course of the campaign, but lately things have been getting a bit tougher. In the last few weeks, John’s been out on the campaign trail and asked the question, who is Barack Obama? Now I have to admit I was a little surprised by this question. The answer is right there on my Facebook page. But, look, I don’t want to be coy about this. We’re a couple weeks from an important election. Americans have a big choice to make, and if anybody feels like they don’t know me by now, let me try to give you some answers. Who is Barack Obama? Contrary to the rumors you have heard, I was not born in a manger. I was actually born on Krypton and sent here by my father Jor El to save the planet Earth. Many of you — many of you know that I got my name, Barack, from my father. What you may not know is that Barack is actually Swahili for ‘that one’. And I got my middle name from somebody who obviously didn’t think I’d ever run for President. If I had to name my greatest strength, I guess it would be my humility. Greatest weakness, it’s possible that I’m a little too awesome. One other thing, I have never, not once, put lipstick on a pig or a pit bull or myself. Rudy Giuliani, that’s one for you. I mean — who would have thought that a cross-dressing mayor from New York City would have a tough time running the republican nomination?
It’s shocking. That was a tough primary you had there, John. Anyway, anyway, that’s who I really am. But in the spirit of full disclosure, there are a few October surprises you’ll be finding out about in the coming weeks. First of all, my middle name is not what you think. It’s actually Steve. That’s right. Barack Steve Obama. Here’s another revelation — John McCain is on to something.
There was a point in my life when I started palling around with a pretty ugly crowd. I’ve got to be honest. These guys were serious deadbeats. They were lowlifes, they were unrepentant, no-good punks. That’s right. I’ve been a member of the United States Senate. Come to think of it, John, I swear I saw you at one of our meetings.
But I know senator McCain agrees that some of the rumors out there are getting a bit crazy. I mean, Rupert the other day, Fox news actually accused me of fathering two African-American children in wedlock. By the way, John, I’m just curious is Fox news included in the media? Because I’m always hearing about this love. Just curious. Then at one of these campaign rallies, someone in the crowd started yelling, “no-bama,” announcing to everyone in the room that I shouldn’t be the
Democratic nominee because there were far more qualified candidates. I really wish Joe Biden hadn’t done that.
But at least we’ve moved past the days when the main criticism coming from the McCain campaign was that I’m some celebrity. I have to admit that that really hurt. I got so angry about it I punched the paparazzi in the face on my way out of Spiago’s. I’m serious. I even spilled my soy chai latte all over my shih tzu. It was really embarrassing.