The *Untied* States of America, Part 1

Kids, while we were all celebrating 2009, I’m afraid that we weren’t paying attention to what 2010 is going to bring. From The Wall Street Journal:

MOSCOW — For a decade, Russian academic Igor Panarin has been predicting the U.S. will fall apart in 2010.

…snip…

Prof. Panarin, 50 years old, is not a fringe figure. A former KGB analyst, he is dean of the Russian Foreign Ministry’s academy for future diplomats.

…snip…

A polite and cheerful man with a buzz cut, Mr. Panarin insists he does not dislike Americans. But he warns that the outlook for them is dire.

Uh-oh! Here’s Panarin’s new map (found at the above link):

That got me thinking about how politicians will react to the new landscape. It seems some of them have already gotten word of the changes, and I have photos of how they are adapting.

[Panarin] based the forecast on classified data supplied to him by FAPSI analysts, he says. He predicts that economic, financial and demographic trends will provoke a political and social crisis in the U.S. When the going gets tough, he says, wealthier states will withhold funds from the federal government and effectively secede from the union. Social unrest up to and including a civil war will follow. The U.S. will then split along ethnic lines, and foreign powers will move in.

FAPSI is the Federal Agency of Government Communications and Information, the Russian equivalent of the U.S. National Security Agency and a successor to the KGB. In 2003, FAPSI was reorganized and became the Service of Special Communications and Information (FSB).

California will form the nucleus of what he calls “The Californian Republic,” and will be part of China or under Chinese influence. Texas will be the heart of “The Texas Republic,” a cluster of states that will go to Mexico or fall under Mexican influence. Washington, D.C., and New York will be part of an “Atlantic America” that may join the European Union. Canada will grab a group of Northern states Prof. Panarin calls “The Central North American Republic.” Hawaii, he suggests, will be a protectorate of Japan or China, and Alaska will be subsumed into Russia.

Kids, you know how politicians are. No matter what happens, they want to make sure that they have some clout, so they are very willing to adapt to the new reality. Let’s start with The Texas Republic, which will become part of Mexico. Here are John Cornyn and Kay Bailey Hutchinson never forgetting the Alamo:

Another state in The Texas Republic will be Alabama. Oh, Susanna, forget about banjos on anyone’s knee, and think about the illustrious Senator Jeff Sessions instead. He’s got the right attitude!

Another state in The Texas Republic is Louisiana, the home of Senator David Vitter. As you can see, you can be totally dedicated to your new country and still partake in your favorite hobbies.

I have to admit, kids, here in The Texas Republic of Floriduhhhh, it’s not just the politicians who are getting in the new swing of things.

Now, let’s focus out attention on the Great White North. Yeah, I’m lookin’ at you, Alaska! Talk about Putin rearin’ his big fat head! Wasilla will be Pootie-poot’s new backyard! Maybe Bristol and Levi should have named the new baby Kremlin or Gulag or Borscht instead of Tripp. Anyway, here are Governor Princess Sarah and the esteemed Senator Lisa Murkowski looking less than pleased with the changes.

Maybe Pootie-Poot will buy Princess Sarah some new clothes, and she’ll cheer up. You bet’cha!

Well, that’s the first installment, kids. Tomorrow, we will continue to explore how the pols are adjusting to the new reality.

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28 Comments

Filed under Alaska, California, China, David Vitter, Florida, humor, John Cornyn, Lisa Murkowski, Louisiana, parody, politics, Republicans, Russia, Sarah Palin, snark, Texas, Vladimir Putin, Wordpress Political Blogs

28 responses to “The *Untied* States of America, Part 1

  1. For what anyone can see, right-wingers embraced this ‘Russian professor’ as if their lives depended on it … something like a wish-list for losers …

  2. hello gilmour!
    welcome to the raisin! πŸ˜€

    i think it’s pretty funny that panarin is getting so much attention and air time. he’s been singing this song for 10 years. now that 2010 is almost here, i wonder what excuses when it doesn’t happen and what prediction he will make to replace his old one.

  3. jlms qkw - jenn

    you so funnay!

    go utes! undefeated! w00t!

  4. nightowl724

    Your scores, from top to bottom:
    1) funny!
    2) funnier!!
    3) funniest!!!
    4) sexiest and smartest!!!!
    5) OMG ROTFLMAO ABSOLUTELY POSITIVELY HYSTERICAL!!!!!!!!!!!!

    PS You look good in red.

  5. hey jenn! πŸ˜€
    you funnay tooo!

  6. nightowl,
    i like to get in the spirit of things. i plan on living on fajitas. i love fajitas. it’s the only thing i order in mexican restaurants. mmmmm, yum, fajitas!!

  7. Steve

    Let’s see gay marriage-banning Kentucky is going to join up with gay marriage-allowing Massachusetts in a menage a trois with France? There’s just not enough vaseline in the world to make that happen…

    …in 2010, when the petro dollars have dried up and Russia can’t afford to whoop the $hit out of a country like Ukraine it’ll be interesting to hear what this Panarin dude has to say then…though I would consider giving Texas to Mexico, depends on what we get in return…

  8. *Rolls eyes*

    There is so much wrong with Panarin’s ideas that I can’t do a debunking justice here. I really should write a diary on Daily Kos about it, but not today–it’s Science Saturday. For starters, while a Divided States of America has been a staple of futuristic fiction for a long time, and others, including James H. Kunstler of ClusterfuΒ’k Nation are predicting this as a possible outcome of the current crisis, which I expect to last another 10 years, but he expects to last throughout the century, calling it the Long Emergency, there is the general incredulity at the idea that the U.S. could fall apart (ahem, it happened once before). Furthermore, it doesn’t reflect what has happened to dominant countries before in the absence of outright invasion and conquest, such as Germany after WWII. Usually, the far-flung parts of the empire just drift away and the peripheral areas get taken over by foreign powers over centuries, such as China pre-Mao.

    Even more glaring, his map shows stunning ignorance of cultural and economic facts on the ground (can one say Hollywood Atlas) and assumes that the states themselves will all move as intact units. I fully expect some states to break apart in the process.

    For a division of the continent that I think works better than Panarin’s, I present to you
    The Nine Nations of North America, which is the best, albeit fringe, treatment of cultural and economic geography that I’ve found. Here’s one idea of how that would play out if the U.S. broke apart based on the Nine Nations concept. I have my doubts about the details of that one, too, but at least the boundaries make more intuitive sense.

    All that said, I think Panarin is spinning out a revenge fantasy in which something worse happens to the United States than happened to the Soviet Union in 1991-1992.

  9. WordPress didn’t like all my links. It thought it might be spam. 😦

  10. Pingback: Break Up of America: Russia’s Wet Dream « WriteChic Press

  11. writechicpress

    Bwahahahah! Yo quiero Jeff Sessions! He has never looked better!

  12. The pic of Hutchison and Cornyn all Mexed up in front of the Alamo just looks like one of their typical campaign stops to me.
    But I am pleased to see Alaska will be going to the Russians. After all the Palin/Russian hubbub, it’s only fitting.
    May she end up in the annals of other female Russian leaders in history.

  13. hello steve!
    welcome to the raisin! πŸ˜€

    i think it’s amusing how panarin divided the states. apparently, he has never lived over here. i don’t forsee kentuckians ever walking around wearing berets. πŸ˜†

    as for texas, why don’t we rent it out? we can decide later on if we want to put it on the market. however, i say we dump idaho and wyoming right away. for sale by owner. πŸ˜‰

  14. neon vincent,
    i’m sorry that you got caught in the spam filter. all is fixed now. the filter gets antsy when there are more than 3 links (and sometimes less if it’s really hungry).

    see the difference between an airhead like me and a scientific brain such as yourself? you look at it analytically and break down the arguments against it, and i look at it and say ooooh! fun!!

    i don’t doubt that the u.s. will one day split up in some manner (or maybe just be absorbed into an international coalition), but i think that it is a long way off, that it will happen peacefully, and it will not resemble panarin’s vision. however, that doesn’t mean i won’t be having fun with it tonight and tomorrow! πŸ˜‰

  15. wcp, πŸ˜€
    thanks so much for the link over at your place. the funny thing about jeff sessions is that he really doesn’t look all that different! every time i look at that guy, i think of leprechauns or elves.

  16. karen,
    the cornyn/hutchinson pic was the first one i made, and i was thinking that they really would pander to people by dressing up like that.

    it’s poetic justice that alaska goes back to russia. i don’t know why princess sarah looks so glum. after all, she can already see russia from alaska, so the transition should not be too much of a shock. since she is used to the cold, i think she should be located to siberia. sarah of siberia–has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? i hope the rnc bought her lots of warm clothes.

  17. Pingback: The *Untied* States of America, Part 2….Eh? « HYSTERICAL RAISINS

  18. how do you do it – get better — this is one of the funniest things you have done!

    you are my hero

    do you think sarah palin will pull a catherine the great when it comes to horses

  19. Sarah Palin pulling a Catherine the Great? Um, no. She’s more likely to shoot a horse than to ride one that way!

  20. dcAp!
    😯 ewwwwwwwwwww!!!! i had to google about the horses! omg!!! i never heard that before about cathy and the horses!!! omg!!! i should watch the history channel more often! i honestly don’t think princess sarah will pull a catherine. there are some things a horse just will not do! πŸ˜‰

  21. now i feel stupid. neon vincent, am i the only one who never heard this rumor about catherine and mr. edovich?

  22. Pingback: The *Untied* States of America, Part 3 « HYSTERICAL RAISINS

  23. bobc

    Not likely! What is he going to say when 2010 passes uneventfully? He should have taken the trouble to actually live in the USA before going so far out there.

  24. hello bobc!
    welcome to the raisin! πŸ˜€

    i wondered the same thing. igor’s been spouting this nonsense for 10 years. 10 years ago, he could keep spouting it, as how could someone prove him wrong when the occasion was a decade in the future? when next year gets here, he will have to make excuses as to why it didn’t happen, or he will have to change his prediction to it happening 10 years hence, so he can still get air time on russian tv.

    as for the way he split up the states–idaho with california? really? πŸ˜†

  25. Charlie Daniels

    Well the eagle’s been flying slow and the flag’s been flying low
    And a lot of people are saying that America’s fixing to fall
    But speaking just for me and some people from Tennessee
    We got a thing or two to tell you all
    This lady may have stumbled but she ain’t never fell
    And if the Russians don’t believe that they can all go straight to hell
    We’re gonna put her feet back on the path of righteousness
    And then God bless America again

  26. hello…um…charlie daniels!

    welcome to the raisin! πŸ˜€ i wish i could think of a song with which to answer you, but i’m blank right now. perhaps one of the raisinettes can think of a fitting one.

  27. Pingback: Russian predicts imminent collapse of US « neoHOUSTON

  28. Pingback: The *Untied* United States of America, the Final Installment « HYSTERICAL RAISINS

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