Like a Whiny Stoned Cowboy

B-Rod, in his own words:

I’m here to explain my position about the proceedings that are beginning on Monday, and explain some of the thinking behind the decision that I made and give you some insight on it.

Let me say that this is not an act of defiance; in fact, just the opposite. But there are huge, big issues at stake with regard to the proceedings starting on Monday, specifically with regard to the rules and the process that those proceedings provide for.


Specifically, I’m talking about two rules — Rule 15F, which by all intents and purposes prevents me from calling in witnesses like presidential Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, from top presidential staffer Valerie Jarrett, from Congressman Jesse Jackson Jr. and a whole series of other witnesses that I would eagerly call to testify under oath to show that I have done nothing inappropriate with regard to the decision to pick a United States senator.


But even if I could call those witnesses, the more onerous rule is Rule 8B. Rule 8B essentially says that the charges that the House bring in a report — that was not cross-examined, not challenged, not confronted — that those very charges cannot be challenged, cannot be contested, cannot be refuted.


Now, I like old movies and I like old cowboy movies, and I want to explain how these rules work in a more understandable way. There was an old saying in the Old West. There was a cowboy who was charged with stealing a horse in town. And some of the other cowboys, especially the guy whose horse was stolen, were very unhappy with that guy. And one of the cowboys said, “Let’s hang him.” Then the other cowboys said, “Hold on. Before we hang him, let’s first give him a fair trial. Then we’ll hang him.” Under these rules, I’m not even getting a fair trial. They’re just hanging me. And when they hang me under these rules, that prevent due process, they’re hanging the 12 million people of Illinois who twice have elected a governor.

Original DVD cover.

Under these rules, Rule 15F and Rule 8B, under that fact pattern I just gave you, if the cowboy who’s charged with stealing a horse was charged with doing that in town, but in fact on the date and time that he apparently stole the horse in town he was on the ranch with six other cowboys herding cattle and roping steers, and then he expects that when his day comes to go to court he can bring those six cowboys to say it wasn’t him because he wasn’t in town, he was on the ranch herding cattle — even if he could bring those cowboys in to say that, under these rules, under 8B, it wouldn’t matter. The complaint that charged him with stealing the horse would convict him because you can’t challenge it and you can’t have a chance to be able to contest it. Again, not fair; in fact, worse: trampling on constitutional rights.

Read the transcript of the entire news conference at the Chicago Sun-Times.

From the Chicago Sun-Times:

Launching a media carpetbombing, Gov. Blagojevich on Friday hammered away at the rules governing his upcoming impeachment trial, saying the “fix is in” and that Illinoisans would be socked with massive tax increases should he be booted from office.


“They want to get me out fast so they could put a huge income-tax increase on the people of Illinois,” the governor said on WLS-AM 890’s “Don Wade & Roma” show. “It’s either going be a 66 percent income-tax increase or a 33 percent income-tax increase. And they want to raise the sales tax on gas. . . . If I’m out of the way, they can quietly push this through.”

When reporters asked about the claim, Mayor Daley reprised an assessment of the governor he has offered before:

“I’ll say it again: Cuckoo!”

The governor’s radio appearance kicked off a media blitz that’s set to include appearances on ABC’s “Good Morning America” and “The View” on Monday. It came on a day in which the governor told cowboy stories, implored the Tribune and Sun-Times editorial boards to come to his aid and lambasted Chicago’s political elite.

Blagojevich said he has no plans to show up in Springfield on Monday for the start of his impeachment trial if the rules don’t change.


Senate leaders who helped craft rules said the governor is twisting the facts. The rules do prohibit both House impeachment prosecutors and the governor’s lawyers from subpoenaing people who “could compromise the U.S. Attorney’s criminal investigation of” the governor. But none of the rules prohibit Blagojevich from presenting his side of the story, said Sen. Matt Murphy (R-Palatine).

Murphy called the governor’s news conference “theater of the absurd.”

Original image.


Filed under Dennis Hastert, humor, Idaho, Imus, Media Matters, movies, Mr. Whipple, parody, Pat Roberts, politics, Pope, SCHIP, snark, Wordpress Political Blogs, World Bank

28 responses to “Like a Whiny Stoned Cowboy

  1. Oy! Well, at least he’s filling the humor gap left by Bushes departure. He’s amazingly self assured and yet totally not self aware.

  2. Ram Venkatararam

    I love this guy. If it weren’t for the fact that he looks like Roman Polanski I would be offering him a job in my convenience store. Nice work!

  3. lisa,
    old b-rod is quite entertaining, isn’t he? he reminds me of michael scott on the office. he thinks he’s a genius and has no self-awareness whatsoever! πŸ˜†

  4. πŸ˜† he does look like polanski!! if you let him work at the store, ram, make sure he doesn’t have the combination to the safe.

  5. nightowl724

    nonnie, you clever little cowgirl, you!!!!!

    Like a Whiny Stoned Cowboy

    Disturbin’ Cowboy


    But, geez, now my pea-sized brain will be fixated on that song and, as a consequence, the man-who-would-be-cowboy-king from IL…

    PS How did you mange to fit all of his hair under that ten-gallon hat? Even PhotoShop has its limits!

  6. nightowl,
    you have no idea how i sweated over both titles. i was completely blank when they finally occurred to me.

    as to the hair fitting under the hat–it doesn’t! i have tricked your eyes! 😯 you see, that isn’t a white background. it is white posterboard with a hat painted on it. it was the only way to cover the rest of b-rod’s mane. πŸ˜‰

  7. jeb

    Actually, by comparison, Yosemite Sam has a quiet steadiness compared to this guy. Of course when I started at the top of the article YS is what I thought of and as I scrolled down, you didn’t disappoint Nonnie. No wonder his lawyer quit.

    I actually saw him explaining this on Countdown. Giddyap pardner, they’s gonna be a hanging. Cuckoo indeed.

  8. jlms qkw - jenn

    does anything blago says have actual substance?

    methinks he is just pufferying away.

    the ‘stache looks good on him, btw.

  9. nightowl724

    I’m sure you violated some unwritten PhotoShop code of honor when you revealed the secret behind the Blago hat trick, but thanks. I don’t know how I could have slept tonight with that mystery of the political universe unsolved!

  10. jebm
    i must have been getting some psychic vibes from you, because i only added the yoserbian rod pic at the last minute. πŸ˜‰

  11. jenn,
    the ‘stache is the only thing that keeps him from being a bald-faced liar. πŸ™‚

  12. nightowl,
    i got special dispensation from photoshop headquarters so that i could reveal that little tidbit. i always check with them first.

  13. LOL! Great work!

    BTW, check your email. I have a favor to ask of you. Thanks.

  14. neon vincent,
    your wish is my command! done!

  15. Being from Texas, I almost projectile vomited when I heard Blogo’s nasal Chicago accent telling that cowboy joke.
    What he didn’t say was, in the old frontier days, those six cowboys would have hog-tied a simpering wimp like him and dragged him through 50 acres of prickly pear cacti, laughing all the way.
    As we say in Texas, fuΒ’k him and the horse he rode in on.

  16. American Heartland Bar and Grill

    Dear Rod,

    Mike Myers called. He wants his hairdo back.

  17. writechicpress

    As he was taken from his home by federal agents on Dec. 9, Blagojevich told NBC, “I thought about Mandela, Dr. King and Gandhi and tried to put some perspective to all this and that is what I am doing now.”


  18. karen,
    if and when blago is found guilty, i think he should be sentenced to clearing brush on the “ranch” in crawford. let’s see how the cowboy does at that!

  19. hi american heartland bar and grill!
    welcome to the raisin! πŸ˜€

    πŸ˜† we have a contest now–does b-rod have michael myers hair or roman polanski hair? the polls are open.

  20. wcp,
    some delusions of grandeur, ya think? πŸ™„

  21. writechicpress

    How exactly does one equate selling a senate seat to ending Apartheid!!!!!

  22. wcp,
    i think b-rod goes to the encyclopedia, closes his eyes, and opens it. whatever happens to be on that particular page becomes one of his metaphors. i wonder when he is going to open the page to bull. only then will one of his speeches make sense. πŸ˜‰

  23. writechicpress

    True dat.

  24. Okay, I have a great new idea.
    What about a reality show called “Governor Has-Been,” starring Sarah Palin and Blogo?
    Put them in a great big house together with their families and watch Mrs. Blogo emasculate Todd Palin while Sarah tries to flirt with Blogo by brushing his hair.
    I LOVE IT!

  25. Chest hair provided by John Travolta.

  26. karen,
    i think we should call the networks right now! we, of course, will have to insist on at least one episode when capt underpants and cindy lou decide to slum it for a few days and come to visit. what fun!

  27. lulu maude,
    are you sure it’s travolta’s chest hair? b-rod’s head probably sheds a lot, and that could be fallout. πŸ˜‰