The Witless Protection Program

I don’t know about you, kids, but I’m worried sick over Princess Sarah Palin’s future now that she’s told the people of Alaska to go f#¢k themselves stepped down from the governorship of Alaska. It’s been keeping me up nights, and since there’s not a damned thing on TV in the middle of the night other than informercials and commercials for wee-wee extenders, I’ve come up with a plan for her. First, she needs to have one last hurrah amongst her most fervent supporters. They include Bill Kristol (who likes to use parentheses), Elisabeth I’ll Tell You My View as Soon as I Get the Fax Hasselbeck, Rich I Touch Myself Lowry, Rush The Boss Limbaugh, and Greta I Am So Friggin’ in Love with Todd Van Susteren.  Of course, Captain Underpants John McCain will have to show up, because he can’t admit he was wrong in choosing her for his running mate. Once the adulation is over, though, it’s off to the Princess Protection Program!

Original book cover.

The next time you’re on the phone with Deadeye Dick Cheney, perhaps you can ask to borrow one of those undisclosed locations he’s no longer using. It’ll make you feel all veepy! And don’t worry, Princess Sarah, you won’t be alone. Not only have I selected someone with whom I know you will love communicating since you both speak Batshit Crazy fluently , but someone who can school you on the dangers of things like the census and any other kind of conspiracy she can think up.

Original book cover.

Of course, it won’t be a one-way street. While Batshit Michele Bachmann is teaching you about all that stuff, you can teach her how to fish for all those fish swimming against the flow in full makeup.

Original book cover.

To be continued…


Filed under 2008 election, Alaska, Books, Dick Cheney, Greta Van Susteren, humor, John McCain, movies, parody, politics, Republicans, Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin, snark, Wordpress Political Blogs

20 responses to “The Witless Protection Program

  1. God, if only Michele (with one L) Bachmann (with one brain cell) would quit politics also. What a great world this would be!

  2. What WILL the Dipstick with Lipstick do for her post quittin’ the guv’neress position???

    • Sidekick w Donald Trump judgin’ beauty queen contests

    • Fortune 500 anchor. Oh Pat Robertson would be thumpin’ his……. bible if Ms. Palin flashed her lipsticked lips on the right wing christian airwaves!
    Maybe they could do a live broadcast exorcism to get all the evil politics out of her !

    • Get down to working on Alaska Seceding from the US.

    • Queen of the NRA???

    Oh I bet your creative mind can come up with other potential career path’s for Falin’ Palin

    • 😆 dipstick with lipstick! 😆 when you stop and think about it, what is princess really qualified to do? if you look at her long, illustrious career, i think you’ll agree that her future lies in being a greeter at walmart.

      • Not for Sarah, Nonnie– it HAS to be more bazarre and over the top than wal mart…

        But really can’t you see her doing the wretched 500 Club…as co anchor?

        Well thanks for those vindictive prayers Pat…. and now let us join together to pray, oh lord, that lightening strikes the gotcha media.

        • hooters waitress? i can see her on ptl, but her show would have to have a full-blown aimee semple mcpherson type of feeling. it has to be a daily revival show with the audience swooning and throwing money at princess.

          • Yes! Speaking in tongues! Flashing an 800 number to call in money pledges for Divine Sarah to pray for you.

            But for real– Palin did this photo op working on a fishing boat- she said all those allegations were costing the State of Alaska millions in legal fees AND it was as if they wanted her family wanted her to go bankrupt so she couldn’t run….

            I don’t think she was talking about the jogging trail. She stopped that sentence quickly after she realized what she had said.

            A part of me feels like, Once was too much – for her VP run- something we all had to endure. So insulting to think someone had the gall to present this airhead as the finest the GOP party had to offer…

            On the other hand, if she ran again (oooh I get a little acid stomach just typing those words) the hope would be she would just really establish what a worldwide dolt she is– to observe her falling flat on her face in a very public way– yet last time round, some folks drank it up…. buying her folksy schtick & treating her as if she were a viable candidate. AND the election results were somewhat close.
            No– she should not be allowed to run again.
            Hell I might even register as a Dinosaur just to vote her down in a primary.

            • fran,
              she’s like the american idol nominee. not even the american idol winner. she’s the sanjaya of american politics. she gets a lot of press for not being as good as anyone else. i think that, just like sanjaya, she’ll soon be relegated to doing bad reality shows.

  3. I heard on the innernets that besides the full makeup, Palin also had on fishnet stockings under her waders; what kind of woman tries to lure the press in over their head with 10 minutes worth of stink bait?

    She may be able to pull’em one after another for now, but like she says, ya just never know what the next fish-run will be like. Well, it’s her lie; let her tell it any way she wants to.

    • hey mh! 😀
      i hear that the easiest press to catch are the ones swimming with the flow.

      i think princess is going to be like most of the past american idol winners. she’ll have a few loyal followers, but there will be more and more empty seats until she’s nothing more than an answer in trivial pursuit.

  4. Maybe she is heading to Colorado Springs to head up Focus on the Family.. you know her and James Dobson seemed to hit it off really well.. they lied so well together..told lies I mean.. to each other.. and he did step down and so they will need to have someone to help them, and they were needing some help raising money after the Prop 8 debacle in CA.. so she could help them and herself at the same time. I think they would let her do that..
    It would help her with the religious freaks she is wanting to cultivate and bring into the fold and help get her to DC, and what better way to help put her journalism degree to use than on the radio with them.. She could still travel around and push her message of hate/love while preaching about the fundamentals of god and country. Just what the right wingers want.

    • that would be after she’s done inviting every single media outlet over for an interview so that she can tell them that every single media outlet was so unfair to her during the campaign and afterward. 🙄

  5. She looks so pretty with that crown and tiara on. Her life is such a fairytale.

  6. I’ve got another wingnut woman for you–Cynthia Dunbar.

    Look at the rest of the site. Lots of Sarah Palin stories, too.

  7. Pingback: Witless Protection Program, Part 2 « HYSTERICAL RAISINS