What Tom Coburn does when he’s not birthin’ John Ensign’s babies


WASHINGTON – Armadillos, marshmallows and American liberty.

U.S. Sen. Tom Coburn managed to connect those three in a speech Thursday on the Senate floor to explain how he traps armadillos that visit his yard in Muskogee and what Americans could learn from their fate.

Original DVD cover

“They’ll ruin a good yard ’cause they like grub worms,” the Oklahoma Republican said in remarks on federal spending that could be described as vintage Coburn.

“So all you have to do is to lay a few marshmallows out and then put a marshmallow or two in the trap cage. You’ll catch those suckers.”

According to Coburn, that’s exactly what’s happening to Americans and their liberty.

“We bite the first little bite off the marshmallow and say, ‘Oh, that tastes good,’ ” he said.

” ‘I got a little benefit here. There’s no connection between what I’ve done and me receiving this benefit.’ ”

And, Coburn continued, Americans then take another bite of the marshmallow and then another.

“Pretty soon, that armadillo fellow. He’s in my cage. I got him. And the reason I got him is he kept thinking he could get something for nothing. He kept thinking, ‘Man, that’s a sweet marshmallow.’ ”

So, what happens to the armadillos Coburn traps at his home?

“One of two things,” the physican-turned-politician explained.

“I either put ’em in the back of my pickup and take 10 or 15 miles away from my property or I shoot ’em.”

He said, “That’s exactly what’s going to happen to us.”

“We are either going to be carried far way from what we know, we trust and believe in to be right or we are going to be extinct as a nation.”

So, kids, if we get universal health care, we’re going to turn into leathery-armored burrowing animals with a sweet tooth, and Tom Coburn, the guy from Oklahoma in the world’s most deliberative body, is going to shoot us. We finally know what the Republican plan is!

In other Tom Coburn news, he’s got a new show! From ABC News:

ABC News’ Z. Byron Wolf reports: If you cross Wayne’s World with C-Span and stream it live over the Internet, you might get something like “Senate Doctors,” the new web show produced by Republicans in the Senate and starring Sens. Tom Coburn of Oklahoma and Mike Barasso of Wyoming.

In addition to being full-time legislators, both men are also practicing doctors. Both also had on cowboy boots at a press conference on Capitol Hill today where they advertised their new show to the Capitol press corps today.

In the ongoing debate over health care reform, professional doctors are one thing that Senate Republicans have and Senate Democrats do not.


Coburn opened up in [the first] episode, telling the audience he is a two-time cancer survivor who currently suffers from a heart problem. He said he can relate to Americans not only as someone who might be their doctor, but also as someone who has had health problems. “I understand the frustration a lot of people are having,” Coburn said.

No, asshole, you can’t. You were diagnosed with and treated for colon cancer and melanoma back in the 70’s when insurance actually paid for stuff. If you were not in the Senate, there is no way you would be able to find health insurance at a reasonable price. Even if you did, they would find ways of not paying for anything, citing your preexisting conditions.

While Coburn and Barasso give Republicans a clear advantage in the number of physicians currently serving, they may be in the minority of doctors nationwide. The AMA, the national association for doctors, supports Democrats’ plans for a public health insurance option – Coburn and Barasso both vehemently oppose the idea.


These two doctors are adamant that health care reform must not include a public option, which would result, they say, in a government takeover of healthcare.

Coburn has his own plan for health care, which would create a system of tax credits – $2,300 for individuals and $5,700 for families – to buy their own insurance on the open market.

Here’s how vitals Spotlight announced the new show:

Two Republic Senators, John Barrasso of Wyoming and Tom Coburn of Oklahoma have turned to a new platform to voice their medical opinions. “Senate Doctors” is a new online show based on the expertise of two doctors who’s views simultaneously come from the government’s side.


The senators plan to have guests on their show to discuss policy, as well as the main concerns about national health care.

I wonder when Dr. Howard Dean will be their guest!


Filed under Democrats, humor, movies, parody, politics, Republicans, snark, Tom Coburn, Wordpress Political Blogs

34 responses to “What Tom Coburn does when he’s not birthin’ John Ensign’s babies

  1. jeb

    Well, armadillos may be stupid enough to fall for the old marshmallow ploy, but even they aren’t dumb enough to believe that our current health care crisis will be solved by tax cuts. $5,700 credits for families to buy insurance? Are you freakin’ kidding me? Jesus, that playbook must be worn out by now!

    • the tax credit line always pisses me off. so many people don’t make enough money to pay taxes. the neediest are the ones who will get no help whatsoever.

      p.s. armadillos are smarter than most wingnuts.

  2. Jenn/jlms qkw

    but when will the dilloes guest on the show?

    there is a facebook app, hatchlings, that has the most darling armadillos.

    we are starting to teach son about wingnuts. our intro lesson was the people who don’t believe in evolution or gravity.

    • you can start with the comments in the previous diary! ol’ marion carter and george walters are right out of central casting! 😆 interesting that they had almost the same things to say! i think they’ve been sharing kool-aid.

  3. Jenn/jlms qkw

    oh and i bet coburn feeds the critters generic marshmallows.

  4. I actually had to read the entire story about catching armadillos with marshmallows to understand why you included the StayPuft marshmallow man in the poster. That was a long way to go for a good joke!

  5. Oh, and Ron Paul is also a doctor. I wonder what kind of crazy thing he’ll say about the plan?

  6. can ANYONE imagine going to coburn for medical treatment. i bet he doesnt take ANY insurance

  7. Armadillos aside, I don’t think one can have a surgical procedure for less than $15,000- probably more like $25,000 & up, depending on if you have a hospital stay.
    That alone is probably enough to bankrupt most families.
    $2,300 for individuals per year is not enough- when you figure prescriptions. eye exams & glasses, preventative dental- plus if you need any actual dental work. That amount MAY cover a very healthy person with little or no medical issues– but throw in a spendy disease, like diabetes, you would not even come close to real costs.
    Some insulins cost $300 for one month’s supply.
    That’s $3600 for ONE prescription & that would not even cover syringes, test strips, doctor’s visits, opthalmologist eye exams, etc……
    Without a public option, we are just like a trapped Aramdillo in a cage.
    Hmmm! Maybe THAT is why all the clamor about gun access. U.S. Sen. Tom Coburn would like to shoot those who exceed the $2,300 annual tax credit medical expenses.

    • one day in the hospital will cost a few hundred dollars, and that’s just for a room. throw in a couple of aspirin, and you’ve added another hundred. a perfectly healthy person will still have car accidents or might fall and break and arm or a leg. you don’t have to be sick to rack up a hefty medical bill.

  8. Hobbes

    So he has an armadillo problem and his solution is to take them 10 miles away and make them someone else’s problem?

    • hello hobbes!
      welcome to the raisin! 😀

      let’s all hope that there are no neighborhood kids who accidentally wind up in tom coburn’s yard.

  9. Well, to be fair, Sarah Palin connected US troops, media honesty and grizzly bears in one speech, so Coburn’s not doing anything unusual for the GOP.