Oh, the Horror!

From THE GAGGLE at Newsweek:

The last time we saw Tom DeLay, he was a scandal-ridden leper slinking back to Texas with nothing left but that giant, threatening smile that made even people who liked him kind of hate him. He had lost it all─his post as house majority leader, his congressional seat, his standing reservation at Signatures, Jack Abramoff’s expense-account lunchery for Republicans headed for ignominy, or prison, or both. Perhaps worst of all, DeLay had lost his mojo as “The Hammer,” the one guy you didn’t dare cross on Capitol Hill and expect to survive. Until the end, he cast himself as a victim of power-hungry Democrats, even though it was Republicans who ultimately threw him overboard. He knew how it worked—after all, he’d done the same thing to Newt Gingrich. And so DeLay went, but he didn’t like it, and like a character straight out of a Sergio Leone spaghetti Western, he promised to get justice and clear his name. “I’ll be back,” DeLay vowed.

Turns out he was right. Last night Tom DeLay made his comeback, and truly, it was a low moment in our nation’s long and stormy history, by which we mean it was totally and completely awesome in every imaginable way.


Original DVD cover

Disgraced politicians choose many paths of redemption, but never did we imagine his resurrection would involve gratuitous booty shaking, cringe-inducing lip syncing and a knee slide straight out of Footloose 2: The Grandpa Years. But that’s what happened last night as DeLay made his big debut on ABC’s Dancing With the Stars. The honest truth is that no words are equal to the task of describing the six astonishing minutes of screentime DeLay commanded last night. It was like the mother of all car wrecks: sickmaking in the extreme, but impossible to turn away. The Hammer was the last “star” to dance on last night’s premiere. His segment begins with a strange Matrix-esque scene, featuring DeLay boogying it up and leaping the air, old-school Toyota-commercial style.

Within seconds, we are with DeLay in the studio, and he is decked out in some truly bootylicious dancing apparel: baggy gray sweat pants, pulled up high on the waist Al Bundy-style, and a crimson Texas A&M t-shirt─tucked in, of course. A lovingly worn pair of Aggie calf warmers would have completed the Flashdance tableau, but we’re just getting greedy. DeLay’s partner, pro dancer Cheryl Burke, gives him a pep talk and DeLay looks on, endearingly starstruck as if he simply cannot believe that he is actually about to put his hands on a woman who looks like that without facing charges the next day. “I’ll teach you how to dance,” Burke says. “And you’ll get the votes.” It’s the first of many absolutely unscripted, completely spontaneous one-liners paying homage to DeLay’s days on Capitol Hill.

…snip…

As we move from the rehearsal studio to the dance floor, ABC sneaks in one more zinger, straight off the top of his head, that the writers had nothing to do with: “I’ve been a conservative all my life, but I know that if I want to do well in the cha-cha, I’m going to have to vote with the Republicans and party with the Democrats.”

…snip…

Suddenly, there is DeLay on the dance floor, and he is wearing … what is he wearing? It’s an all-brown vest suit with zebra trim and a little bit of rhinestone. It is very Boogie Nights. Somewhere in Idaho, Larry Craig is leaning in very close to his television.

…snip…

At several points in the routine, DeLay suggestively points at Bruno Tonioli, the most outspoken judge on the show—maybe in an effort to score extra points. “You’re crazier than Sarah Palin!” Bruno says afterward in a moment of astute political analysis. And therein lies the explanation, long puzzling, for DeLay’s decision to agree to do the show. It is his ultimate penance for the wrongs he committed and the careers he crushed back in his Hammer days—a beautiful gift to his fellow citizens in a bleak time of recession.

Read the rest and see the video (if you dare) at the link above.

31 Comments

Filed under Democrats, humor, Jack Abramoff, Larry Craig, movies, Newt Gingrich, parody, politics, Sarah Palin, Scandals, snark, Texas, Tom Delay, Wordpress Political Blogs

31 responses to “Oh, the Horror!

  1. jeb

    I think I’m going to barf!!!!

  2. He’s been a conservative all his life but he has to learn to party with the Democrats?

    Hmmm …

    I think that “Hot Tub Tom” can do better than that. After all, anyone who admits to drinking a dozen martinis each night must have encountered some kind of cha-cha before …

    • he also said he’s getting in touch with his feminine side. funny, but i’ve always thought he had a bit of a feminine side when i used to see him on tv. (same for his buddy, tom tancredo and a bunch more of their homophobic ilk.)

      • I’d like to apologize in advance for the visual image …

        Can you picture Pat Buchanan, Trent Lott, Tom Delay, James Dobson, et. al., locking arms on the day they all come out together … doing a can-can in drag?

        I need to go erase my memory now … again, sorry … ; -)

  3. I also watched that “words cannot describe” display and cringed for poor Cheryl Burke (my husbands’ favorite dancer) who had to actually work with him. Please let him be one of the first to be kicked off.

    • i didn’t watch. i usually do, but i won’t until he’s gone.

      btw, ynb, i just left a song for you over at your place. i had forgotten all about it, but one of the comments reminded me for some reason.

  4. I saw the clip on Huffpo.
    His shitbrown outfit matched his revolting performance.

    Fandango with Felons?

    Wretch!

  5. The only thing more hilarofying than watching DeLay shaking his saggy ass was watching his female counterpart Macy Gray and her craptastic dance stylings.
    She’s like a grouchy dancing horse and he’s like a grinning horse’s ass.
    OMG, I laughed so hard watching DeLay cha cha I thought I could never laugh harder. Then day two and Macy Gray comes along…
    I’d pay a thousand dollars to watch them dance together. Then I’d rip my own eyes out.
    But I’d still be laughing.

  6. writechic

    He just looks dirty. Like an old prostitute.

    ::shudder::

  7. Here’s something I wrote on the Big Orange a couple of days ago regarding a suggestion to write a diary detailing how to vote DeLay off.

    “Don’t tempt me. I was a regular on a reality TV discussion board for four years and a moderator of some of the forums there for the last two the board existed. Also, my most common diary topic after science involves web polls. I’d probably be the perfect person here for the task.

    On the other hand, do tempt me. This could be fun. ]:-}”

    Hey, I’m an environmentalist. I recycle.

    • there’s nothing real about reality shows, especially the ones with voting. the judges are told by the producers whom they want to stay. they manipulate the scores and the phone lines. they want the free press that goes along with delay, so he’ll stick around for at least until the novelty wears off and someone else grabs enough attention to take delay’s place when it comes to buzz.

  8. Suggested songs for future performances

    • Jailhouse rock
    • Hound dog
    • What a drag it is getting old
    • I fought the law

  9. Yet another reason I am grateful to my sons for losing half the pieces to our converter box and rendering our house t.v. free since June 12th…

  10. p.s. nonnie, some dynamite prose you’ve added to the usual visuals too I must say, well done !!!

    • hey rastamick!
      haven’t seen you around here for a while!

      i wish i could take credit for the prose. i read different articles, but i picked this one, because it thought it was very funny and very clever.

  11. jeb

    This part of the article was freakin’ hilarious:

    “Suddenly, there is DeLay on the dance floor, and he is wearing … what is he wearing? It’s an all-brown vest suit with zebra trim and a little bit of rhinestone. It is very Boogie Nights. Somewhere in Idaho, Larry Craig is leaning in very close to his television.”

  12. My wife just asked me what I’d think of it if George W. Bush went on the show …

    I told her that I’d rather not imagine such a thing.

  13. Is that a gerrymander in his pants or is he just dancing?

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