(ChattahBox)—Oh my! According to Evangelicals, miniature snickers and milky ways are cursed by witches and demons. Pat Robertson’s Christian Broadcasting Network website posted quite the bizarre little Evangelical manifesto against the satanic dangers of Halloween. CBN contributor Kimberly Daniels, a self described “recognized prophetic voice,” wrote an unhinged rant against Halloween claiming, “most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches.”
Daniels also warned of sex with demons and revel nights. And that witches on brooms, mummies, werewolves and Dracula “actually exist.”
Soon after the wacky piece entitled, “The Danger of Celebrating Halloween,” appeared on the CBN website it mysteriously disappeared, no doubt from mass mockery, but it remains cached and it has been re-posted on another site, thank goodness.
Read the insanity below for your Halloween Eve enjoyment:
“During Halloween, time-released curses are always loosed. A time-released curse is a period that has been set aside to release demonic activity and to ensnare souls in great measure … During this period demons are assigned against those who participate in the rituals and festivities. These demons are automatically drawn to the fetishes that open doors for them to come into the lives of human beings. For example, most of the candy sold during this season has been dedicated and prayed over by witches.
I do not buy candy during the Halloween season. Curses are sent through the tricks and treats of the innocent whether they get it by going door to door or by purchasing it from the local grocery store. The demons cannot tell the difference.
Halloween is much more than a holiday filled with fun and tricks or treats. It is a time for the gathering of evil that masquerades behind the fictitious characters of Dracula, werewolves, mummies and witches on brooms. The truth is that these demons that have been presented as scary cartoons actually exist. I have prayed for witches who are addicted to drinking blood and howling at the moon.
While the lukewarm and ignorant think of these customs as “just harmless fun,” the vortexes of hell are releasing new assignments against souls.
The word “occult” means “secret.” The danger of Halloween is not in the scary things we see but in the secret, wicked, cruel activities that go on behind the scenes. These activities include:
* Sex with demons
* Orgies between animals and humans
* Animal and human sacrifices
* Sacrificing babies to shed innocent blood
* Rape and molestation of adults, children and babies
* Revel nights
* Conjuring of demons and casting of spells
* Release of “time-released” curses against the innocent and the ignorant.”
Well, that sure as heck is gonna put a damper on the trick-or-treat festivities. I know three little buddies from the Senate who were all ready to eat candy until their tummies ached and their blood sugar levels got out of control (don’t worry, kids, they have the best health insurance coverage our money can buy!). I made a bunch of crap up My infallible confidential sources got me some pictures so that I could share them with you. Early in the evening, Lindseypoo Lindsey Graham was so excited, he put his costume on before anyone else!
Captain Underpants John McCain sure looked surprised, and Holy Joe McLiebercain Lieberman thought the whole thing was hilarious!
Then it was Captain Underpants John McCain’s turn to put on his Halloween best.
I bet that got Lindseypoo Lindsey Graham all excited and reaching for the Olive “Oyl!” Heh!
Last but not least, it was Holy Joe McLiebercain Lieberman’s turn to show off his finery. As you can see, he’s equipped to stab just about anyone in the back!
What a shame all that good candy got all demon-y and evil. Oh well, fellas, there’s always next year!