Christmas Sweater, Now With Real Sweat

From THINK PROGRESS (December 4, 2009):

Last night, Fox News host Glenn Beck premiered his new live show based on his book The Christmas Sweater, which was simulcast to hundreds of movie theaters across the country. Sponsor Fathom Events called it a “once in a lifetime event,” during which “Glenn will tell you about the real life events that inspired him to write” the book, play clips from his 2008 national tour, and “share stories of the overwhelming response he received.” Despite heavy promotion on Beck’s radio and TV shows, and in-theater trailers, ticket sales were weak in major cities: Beck sold only 17 tickets in Boston, […]

(CAUTION: Those last 2 links–hilarity alert!! The funniest insincere sincerity you ever saw, kids!)

Original DVD cover

[…] another 17 in New York, and just 30 in Washington, DC. Raw Story reports that, while sales were better in more conservative areas, even Seattle — which is near Beck’s hometown — couldn’t muster a strong crowd:

While it performed better in the south and in rural, more conservative areas, his ability to draw viewers in major US markets was a bust.

“The theater’s almost empty,” a representative at Regal Cinemas in Manhattan told Raw Story moments before it began.


Despite purporting to be a champion of the “little guy,” Beck set tickets prices at $20 — more than double the average ticket price. Blogger Joseph Childers reports that the production value looked “cheap,” and “the bulk of the evening consists solely of Glenn Beck acting out every role in his hokey story, with only his limited repertoire of accents and pantomime filling out the ‘cast’.”


The Christmas Sweater may seem to be the same kind of run-of-the-mill holiday tale of redemption and hope that we see every year about this time. But considering that the climax involves right-wing talk-show host Glenn Beck, in the guise of a 12 year old version of himself, crying on the stage floor in the fetal position while a large black woman sings hymns to him, I think it might leave viewers with a few more questions than the usual family fare.

With that in mind, I’d like to offer my services. Being True/Slant’s resident expert/masochist regarding Mr. Beck’s artistic side projects, I was naturally drawn to the multiplex to check out the live-action version of his debut novel. I also convinced my wife to accompany me to the show, and I’m thoroughly confident that she’ll start speaking to me again by at least the beginning of next week. I can’t answer all of these questions, but maybe seeing your confusion in print will help calm your inevitably shattered nerves.

1. Why Does It Look So Damn Cheap?

Glenn Beck is a lot of things, but hurting for money ain’t one of ‘em. He reportedly pulls in around $18 million a year from live events and his TV, radio, and book deals. So why does the production budget of The Christmas Sweater look like it topped out at 11 bucks and change? I’ve seen small-town Christmas pageants with better production values than this thing.


The bulk of the evening consists solely of Glenn Beck acting out every role in his hokey story, with only his limited repertoire of accents and pantomime filling out the ‘cast’. Sure, there are a few TV’s behind him on stage, but they only show, at the most, ten or twelve still photos the entire time. And they couldn’t even get that right. Despite only needing a few sound effects, I counted several missed cues, and near the end, Beck talks to the wrong camera for a solid minute.


2. How Can One Man Expel That Much Liquid From His Body?

If Barney Frank and Michael Moore ran a marathon train session on Rush Limbaugh, I doubt it would produce the amount of sweat Glenn Beck expels in five minutes. Not even counting the words coming out of his mouth, I’m amazed at the amount of disgusting stuff that exits this guy’s body on stage. Spittle, sweat, and tears ooze of out of him constantly; I think I counted four shirt changes in an hour and a half. Nipples, shoulders, neck, stomach: every part of Beck’s body is a soldier in his sweat army. I was in constant awe at Beck’s inability to stay even moderately dry for more than two minutes, and my perpetual scanning for new leaks to spring probably meant I missed some gems of wisdom to share with you, and for that, reader, I apologize.

You’ll have to go to the link to read the rest. It’s just too damned funny!


Filed under Fox News, Glenn Beck, humor, movies, parody, politics, snark, Wordpress Political Blogs

23 responses to “Christmas Sweater, Now With Real Sweat

  1. Arrrgh – someone from my wife’s book club chose this thing and she’s been listening to it on her ipod while wretching, rolling her eyes and praying for lightning to strike. Your post will cheer her immeasurably. She is hoping tomorrow night’s traffic court is a record crowd so she can at least be late.

    • omg! the only thing i can think of that’s worse than reading it is hearing him read it! make sure your poor wife reads the entire review. my eyes were tearing, i laughed so hard.

  2. Dusty

    Nonnie, have I told you lately that I admire the hell out of you? 17 tickets.LMFAO! 😉

    The Beck boy will never achieve what he wants, to be mainstream America…and that’s fine w/me.

    • awww, thanks dusty! back atcha, poopsie! 😉

      i think it’s hilarious that he sold only 17 tickets! what a slap in the face. he won’t even have enough class to be embarrassed. i wonder what twisted logic he’ll employ to explain away why, in a city with a population of over 8 million people, he could only sell 17 tickets! 😆

  3. writechic

    What a freakin’ weird ass megalomaniac! A celebration of less than mediocrity.

    I just went read some of his bio to try to explain to myself how a person can so profoundly miss the mark (and I’m not just talking this monstrous pathos FAIL…I’m talkin’ in general). I learned his mother drowned (accident or suicide undetermined) when he was a teen. He embraces the suicide version according to his website. She was either bipolar or depressive from what I can glean. His brother committed suicide. Beck spent years abusing drugs and alcohol and claims to have attempted suicide.

    Obviously, he’s just fucked up and wrong-headed. But now I can make sense of it.

    • most people can’t accept that someone they love committed suicide and will look for another explanation, especially someone raised roman catholic. how odd that this moron would rather think his mother killed herself than died accidentally. according to wiki, the man who took her out on the boat when she died also drowned. wouldn’t that point to accidental drowning? i guess he figures that her death being a suicide makes him a more tragic figure. this is from salon:

      Over the course of many retellings, the tragedy of Mary Beck would become the cornerstone event in her son’s personal narrative of redemption, and that tale of rebirth would became the cornerstone of his career. But the story Glenn Beck often tells about his mother is not quite the one recorded by the Tacoma paper. As Beck would later relate to millions of his listeners, his mother’s drowning was no boating accident. It was a suicide, he claimed, explained in a short note written on that fateful dawn and left on the mantel. And he said it happened in 1977, when he was 13, not 1979, when he was 15 (even though newspaper obits and government records confirm that a 41-year-old woman named Mary Beck died in Puyallup in 1979.) In fact, Beck’s first wife had never heard of Mary Beck’s alleged suicide until years after they married, when she heard her husband discussing it live on the radio.

      • writechic

        So, the sweater is pretty much a borderline personality case. Dude is a nut.

        • and a liar. he just makes shit up as he goes along. he probably doesn’t even remember what the truth is. the brother who committed suicide was a step-brother, so you can’t even argue that mental illness runs in his family.

          • writechic

            Beck said brother on his site. Guess, it’s another case of jacking up the sympathy factor? But fast and loose is what he does.

            Beck is one of those path of least resistance chaps. That’s why the art is so bad, the analysis is so bad, why the lies fly out like it ain’t no thing.

            • of course he said his brother. that makes it so much more dramatic and also makes little glennie more heroic by fighting the forces inside him. he went to live with his father after his mother’s death. i wonder how well he even knew his step-brother. i can’t find anything that gives the date of his death.

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  5. I guess Lonesome Roads was revealing more than he thought when he called his book and one-man show the Christmas *Sweat*er!

  6. hard to believe even 17 people in boston wasted money on this drek…..

    and as for lying – beck cannot tell the truth from a lie anymore – he is that far gone.

    i do believe at some point beckmania will fizzle out – he doesnt have the staying power (read oxy and viagra) of rush

    btw – did you see rush is getting a beard, i mean married for the 4th time – that is deserving of many posts

    • my theory is that 14 people in boston and in nyc left their houses without their sweaters, got chilly, and went into the theaters to get warm. 3 more in each city went to laugh their asses off at glenn blechhh.

      i hadn’t seen that rushbo was getting hitched again. i looked at some pictures of him and his intended together, and the body language is hilarious. he’s hanging all over her, and she’s mugging for the camera as if he wasn’t even there. too bad rushbo is backing marco rubio, or the newest mrs. rushbo could have hung out with charlie crist’s bea…wife.

  7. Having viewed a few of the clips of G. Beck doing his “performing art” thing, is it possible that there might be a third rate artist buried deep within the confines of Glenn Beck’s ridiculous body, struggling to escape?
    Who to feel sorry for — Glenn Beck, the body, or the poor third rate artist who can’t escape?

    P.S. Thanks for the links — I never realized how much fun it was laughing at G. Beck doing his stuff. I have a whole new hobby. 😀 😀

    • any artist within glenn blechhhh should be buried. in fact, cremate him first and then bury him.

      don’t get too engrossed in watching glenn, mighty mikk0mouse. the long-term effects won’t be good. 😯

  8. Good God I feel shattered . . . knowing things like this go on in the Big World out there. I’m surprised Beck the human sweatbag, who oozes something from every hole he has, hasn’t learned to vomit on cue.

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