Forget Job, Get a Job!

From THE RESTORATION OF STEPHEN BALDWIN (No, kids, I’m not making this up):

Stephen Baldwin of the famous “Baldwin Brothers” Hollywood clan is a veteran actor who has starred in over 60 films and TV shows. He is no stranger to the Hollywood life of glitz, glamour and the public eye.

In 2002, he had an experience that changed his life forever. He became a Born Again Christian, giving his life to Jesus Christ. Over the next few years, he became very vocal about his faith, using his spotlight to boldly preach the gospel. However, because of this convictions it has caused him the loss of many jobs and the most recently, a highly publicized bankruptcy.

He has been publicly ridiculed and insulted by people who think that he has been abandoned by God. A simple search through the internet will reveal that people not only mock Stephen, but mock God.

In response to this (with the permission of Stephen’s ministry President Daniel Southern) we have established A privately funded and managed website. Our vision is to see Stephen Baldwin publicly restored in front of millions.

Original DVD cover

Job was the most inflential man in the east, (Job 1-3) he was a man of great wealth who stood up for righteousness and his God. However, there came a period of time where Job went through great distress and testing. He lost his children, his health, his home and wealth. Throughout this pain and suffering, he stood in faithfulness to God and would not turn his back on Him.


If the people of God come together and each give a small “Token Gift” we can see a massive restoration of a Christian public figure and all the glory will go to God. Its simple, will you take part in the second ever All Who Know Him event?

Kids, you should go there and look around.  It’s hilarious!  So is this, from Rod Dreher at beliefnet:

Look, I’m sorry that actor Stephen Baldwin is bankrupt, but this whole Restore Stephen Baldwin campaign is the ne plus ultra of Evangelical cheesiness.

Baldwin is the D-list actor who became a born-again Christian in 2002. But he got into financial trouble, and is now deeply in debt. Now this coterie of Baldwin supporters, who claim to be operating independent from the Massapequa thespian, are trying to raise money to get him out of bankruptcy. Well, look, I’d love it too if I went bankrupt, and my friends rallied to help me out. But what they’re doing here is Holy Ghost Hokey Pokey crazy.

They’re claiming that Baldwin is broke because he’s a Christian, and Hollywood blacklisted him over his faith. The Velveeta-like video clip on the RSB site actually says that if you give money to Stephen, you’ll help show those Hollywood types who look at broke Stephen and laugh at God.  Restore that Baldwin or the Devil wins! More from the site:

    Our vision is to see Stephen Baldwin publicly restored in front of millions. Stephen’s platform will increase allowing him to reach even more people with the Gospel and God will get all of the glory. Publicly.

You think that’s what’ll happen? Or will the millions who see this happen laugh at how easy it is to separate gullible Christians from their money for the sake of helping a washed-up celebrity who, in an earlier generation, would have been anchoring the Banana Section on “Tattle Tales” by now, resume his Hollywood lifestyle, such as it was.


Let’s say for the sake of argument that S. Baldwin was the greatest actor since young Brando — I know, I know, but let’s pretend — but his acting jobs evaporated after he came out as a born-again Christian. That would be tragedy, but worse things have happened to people. But guess what? Stephen Baldwin could have gotten a regular job like anybody else. Would it have killed him to work at Costco?


But wait, it gets better, or rather, worse:

    Q- Why does Stephen need personal wealth?
    A- Stephen’s influence is in Hollywood. Hollywood worships money and without it you are seen as a loser and cannot be an effective influence to this group.

What kind of Christian-crackhead logic is it that says the faithful have a duty to give alms to make a failed spendthrift actor rich once again to advance the kingdom of God? Is going broke in part because you didn’t pay your taxes really a matter of spiritual warfare? Did the Devil make poor Stephen Baldwin not obey the law? The mind boggles, the stomach turns.

Go read the whole thing. It’s funny!

From ZAP2IT:

If you had to pick a charity to donate to right now, raise your hand if you would give your money to … Stephen Baldwin.

Is your hand up? Yeah, we didn’t think so. And perhaps that’s why “The Restoration of Stephen Baldwin” campaign is still under the $100 mark since its launch four months ago.

The campaign, orchestrated by Florida-based businessman Lyn Fletcher, aims to restore Baldwin’s personal wealth and Hollywood influence. Why? The Q & A section of the site says, “In March of 08 I saw Stephen speak boldly for Christ on Trumps Celebrity Apprentice Show. Then in Aug 09 I saw Stephen and God being laughed at for his bankruptcy.”

Baldwin became a born-again Christian after 9/11, and the site attributes his plummeting income (down by 70%, according to the site) to around this time when he “refused roles with gratuitous sex and violence.”

No sex or violence?  Has he even read the Bible?

While Baldwin does not have anything to do with the site directly, his spiritual advisor (now President of Stephen’s ministries), Daniel Southern, gave the “Restore” campaign written permission to build the site.

Perhaps the best part of the whole stranger-than-fiction storyline is the video created to help “restore” Baldwin, which plays like some kind of bizarre “SNL” parody. But it’s the real deal, folks.

The video’s at the ZAP2IT link. Pee before you watch it.


Filed under 9/11, Christianity, humor, Jesus, movies, parody, politics, Republicans, September 11, snark, Wordpress Political Blogs

22 responses to “Forget Job, Get a Job!

  1. I’m here, I’m here!! And what better post to return to than a hollywood looney tune who went backrupt and doesn’t know what to do other than beg for money from fans that don’t exist. Where’s big bro, alec when you need him? Oh, that’s right, Kim took him to the cleaners.

    • jill, this is from the website in the Q & A section:

      Q- Why doesn’t his family help him?
      A- His family does not perceive Stephen’s predicament as a matter of spiritual warfare. They see Stephen’s outspoken Christianity as poor choices therefore they will not help.

      in other words, they watched him piss his money away, and they aren’t going to bail him out. who knows how many times they’ve done so already.

  2. JaxDem

    Clearly I do not get out enough. Not only had I not heard about po Stevie’s “no makie movie – no makie money” predicament, but this is the first I’ve seen of the Holy Ghost Hokey Pokey!!! J. Harold Christo, how the hell did that get past me???? I am stunned.

    Nonnie not only does this entire diary surpass all the rest this year, but the bling darlink, the bling!!! The hood ornament and the press-on headlight accessories just scream “pimping for jesus”.

    No yolk girl, I’m still laughing…thanks for the pee before watching warning on Zap2it link, but it came too late for me after having watched the Hokey Pokey and gotten a bit too carried away if you get my drift…

    • why are you laughing at the holy ghost hokey pokey? do you realize how many people in that crowd didn’t know their right foot from their left foot until that performance?

      i usually only get to accessorize people. what fun it was to bling out a car!

  3. writechic

    He is really homely. He doesn’t even get those pity roles like that Gary Bussey guy…always cast as a creeper.

    But if the Focus on Fucktardery types throw their money at Baldwin, they deserve to lose it. Seriously. If that perpetual duh expression on his face inspires, let the inspired squander bank.

    Job is such a philosophically rich story addressing “the problem of evil,” and the holy numnuts go and make it dumb. It’s not about dignity in the face of trials, no, it’s about gettin’ yer gat damn money back. Ugh.

    • how can you make fun of a serious actor with a resume that includes:

      Celebrity Mole Hawaii
      Celebrity Mole Yucatán
      Ty Murray’s Celebrity Bull Riding Challenge
      Celebrity Apprentice
      I’m a Celebrity…Get Me out of Here!
      Celebrity Big Brother

      if not for his brothers, he’d be working at mcdonald’s.

      • writechic

        …and not as a cashier! He’ll scare the customers up front. Besides, rumor is that he’s not that good with money. 😉

      • I was a big Reality TV fan until 3 years ago, when I discovered Daily Kos and found better things to do with my time, and I didn’t even know about all those.

        • i watch tv all the time, and i had only heard of the apprentice and the mole. i watch big brother when it’s on, but i was unaware there was a celebrity version. i actually watched i’m a celeb, get me out of here, and stephen baldwin was the most obnoxious, self-righteous ass i’ve ever seen.

          • “the most obnoxious, self-righteous ass i’ve ever seen.”

            Considering the people you profile here, that’s saying something.

            • some of the people he appeared with on that show were among the most annoying and obnoxious people on earth, and yet he was the one who stood out as the most grating. he baptized 2 of the other contestants (2 phony little asswipes who would do anything for fame) and was just generally nauseating.

  4. They say there’s one born (again) every minute.

  5. Biblical scholars say Job is the oldest book in the biblia. Often when someone is down in life, they say “go read Job”. Stephan should put on some sack cloth and ashes and get some other D list celebs to sit there three days untill he speaks. Now reading the great tome will give enlightenment! Job just siting around being rich and righteous when the first servant runs up, gives bad news, drops dead. Then the second, bad news, death. The third, etc.etc. The working class moral of all this? If you ain’t the boss, you ain’t shit.

  6. Usnthem

    “Be part of a historic movement of God that will literally rock the nation. ”

    I’m waiting for the earthquake… THEN I’ll send money.

    • hello usnthem,

      welcome to the raisin! 😀

      if the earthquake hits, i think you should throw the money into the crevasse. if stephen needs the money that badly, he can climb down and retrieve it. 😉

  7. I spent about half an hour last night perusing “Restore Stephen Baldwin” thanks to John Shore’s parody (“Restore John Shore”).

    Stephen Baldwin’s money problems aren’t the result of spiritual warfare. They’re the result of not paying taxes, not putting away the credit cards, and not having an income.

    My guess is he thought about declaring himself a bank and looking for a bailout, but was too slow. Now he’s preying on sucker Christians.

    John Voight seems to have done pretty well with the whole Christian-in-Hollywood thing. I seem to think that Robert Downey, Jr. has recently converted, hasn’t he? I guess the people making “Iron Man” missed the memo that they hate Christians, huh?

    Or, maybe, they were looking for someone who could act …

    I just checked IMDB on him … I have seen one of his movies. I actually like “Flyboys,” though I didn’t know that he was the pilot who had virtually no lines and didn’t really have to act.

    • restore john shore is hilarious! thanks for mentioning that, or i never would have seen it.

      stephen baldwin’s problem is that, unlike his brothers, he’s untalented and unpleasant to look at. if not for his brothers, we never would have heard of him, and he never would have gotten a part in a community theater, let alone a movie.

      the complaining about christians not being able to work in hollywood is just more whining, very much like the teabaggers whining about how being male and white works against you.

      • He is sort of Zeppo Baldwin, isn’t he?

        • lol!!!! i read that zeppo was actually the funniest marx brother in real life. he was also a pretty good businessman. this is from wiki:

          Offstage, Zeppo had great mechanical skills and was largely responsible for keeping the Marx family car running. Zeppo later owned a company which machined parts for the war effort during World War II, Marman Products Co. Inglewood, CA later known as the Aeroquip Company. This company produced a motorcycle, called the Marman Twin[5] and the Marman clamps used to hold the “Fat Man” atomic bomb inside the B-29 bomber, Bockscar.[6] He also founded a large theatrical agency with his brother Gummo, and invented a wristwatch that would monitor the pulse rate of cardiac patients and give off an alarm if they went into cardiac arrest.[6]

          During his time as a theatrical agent, he and Gummo, although primarily Gummo, represented their brothers, among many others.[7]