Why would I buy food from someone who makes me lose my appetite?

(Scroll down for a special announcement, Raisinettes!)


If you ever find yourself in a post-nuclear holocaust environment and come across people eating beef stroganoff, odds are they’ll be Glenn Beck fans. You may have heard about Beck’s relationship with Goldline International, which urges people to buy gold and stay safe from the supposed inevitable devaluing of the dollar. Now meet Food Insurance, which sells survival kits of freeze-dried food and other items to help people live from two weeks to 12 months, depending on the plan purchased (and post-apocalyptic conditions). Beck has promoted the company’s products, is featured prominently on the company’s website, and a banner ad for the company, bearing Beck’s image, was spotted on his website […]

Original DVD cover

At ready.gov, FEMA recommends that people pre-plan for emergencies. The government’s recommended preparedness steps include having a supply kit that that can last at least a few days, establishing a plan beforehand and staying informed. Nowhere does it suggest buying products from a private company. But Food Insurance, whose “The Essential” kit goes for $199.99 and provides enough food for an adult for two weeks, argues “why not make sure you and your loved ones are prepared with enough food and water to survive the ever-increasing number of disasters in the world?”


The company’s website touts the many perks of food insurance, not least of which is the “gourmet quality” of the products.

While your neighbors are struggling to find food, you will be dining on lasagna, beef stroganoff, and a variety of other delicious entrees. What’s more, this food will retain its nutritional value and freshness for up to ten years.Talk about faith, hope and charity. Screw those starving, unprepared jerks next door. Besides beef stroganoff, other available entrees include chicken ala king, fettuccini alfredo and chicken teriyaki, because as everyone knows, if civilization collapses, the one thing you’ll really miss is good take out.

What? No teabags?

The Food Insurance website also features a video of Beck talking about how this is a “crazy” world. He says his staff and family all have the backpacks, with “everything that you need in case the world goes to heck in a handbasket.”

“Do the easy stuff now,” Beck says, in conclusion. “Prepare yourself for what we all hope won’t happen, but probably will, if you’re not prepared. Thanks.”

Of course, Glenn Blechhh is not the only Fox News imbecile pushing this crap. From THIS WEEK:

Is he the only pundit endorsing the company?
No. Fellow Fox News host Sean Hannity started promoting Food Insurance on his show in June, saying he feels “it is critical for Americans to be ready for whatever life might throw their way.”

Hey, kids, there’s something exciting going on! The Raisin is joining with Tengrain of Mock, Paper, Scissors for the 1st Annual Semi-Regular Macaca Awards!  More details tomorrow, but in the meantime, here’s a little something, courtesy of Tengrain:

Check over at MPS for more details. It’s gonna be fun!


Filed under FEMA, Fox News, Glenn Beck, humor, movies, parody, politics, Sean Hannity, snark, Wordpress Political Blogs

26 responses to “Why would I buy food from someone who makes me lose my appetite?

  1. I notice Food Insurance makes its home in Utah. Some Mormon is gonna be rich with Beck scaring up business for him. Mormons keep an actual year supply of food for when all hell breaks loose and everyone learns that they’re right and Mitt Romney’s hair is the Almighty.

    • i was trying to find out who owns food insurance, with no success. however, i’m wondering if it is affiliated with this place. it seems to be run by people who would be welcomed with open arms by the teabaggers. you’ll notice that they’re located in utah, too.

      • jean-philippe

        The domain name is owned by Brandon Brooks, from Utah. Food insurance seems to be a division of “Daily bread food storage”, in Kaysville, Utah. And the trail ends there.

        • i’m guessing it’s either some survivalist militia group or some flim-flam man making a buck off a bunch of people who have been scared shitless by asswipes like glenn blechhh.

  2. off topic but how about this guy!

    for the macaca award

  3. jean-philippe

    The guys behind food insurance are geniuses…

    632 Entrée Package with FREE Drink Mix Combo
    $ 1,749.99

    Strange however: their 72 hours kit doesn’t include a gun to keep their food powder safe.

    • i was gallivanting around the internets, and i was surprised at how many of these “survival” sites there are. they sell all kinds of crap, almost all of it meant to instill or react to fear. i think it’s hilarious. it would be cheaper to buy yourself a food dehydrator and make the food yourself or even get some jenny craig or nutrisystem meals.

      • jean-philippe

        As long as teabaggers don’t know the price of a can of beans, these guys are in business.

        • that’s the really scary part, j-p. they know the price of beans, they know that the price of beans keeps going up, and their wages are stagnant, but they keep voting for the people who want to make sure that the prices keep going up and wages keep going down.

  4. Food Insurance, whose “The Essential” kit goes for $199.99 and provides enough food for an adult for two weeks

    Huh? I could buy enough food for myself for two weeks for a lot less than $199.99. Of course, it wouldn’t last “up to” (I detect a weasel phrase) ten years, but does anyone really think a bunch of preserved beef Stroganoff is going to last that long? What would the customers do if it didn’t, in a post-apocalyptic environment — sue the company?

    If you think a post-technological apocalypse is coming and want to be prepared, get some training and experience in how to maintain and repair things like engines and generators. People who could keep machines running would be able to name their own price — in food or anything else.

    Of course, the point isn’t to help people survive a collapse that Beck knows perfectly well isn’t coming. It’s to make a few easy bucks in the real world.

  5. we can all go eat at glenn’s house……bring your pitchforks!

  6. Dimitrios

    In a truly post apocalyptic world Glenn Beck himself would be a two-week supply of food, always providing that the apocalyptical havoc had already driven the potential diner as insane as the dinner.

    • hello dimitrios,

      welcome to the raisin! 😀

      i’m usually a lot better hostess when someone comments for the first time, but i’m afraid, in this case, i have to send you a bill for a new keyboard, as this one is now covered with diet coke.

      stop by again, but give me some warning so i can put some plastic on the computer. 😉

  7. “1st Annual Semi-Regular Macaca Awards”

    I’m waiting with bated breath for these awards for political kookery and douchebaggery.

    • now, neon vincent, let’s not set expectations too high. 😯 i hope it will be fun for everyone. tengrain is terrific, so even if i’m a slacker, he should keep us on the right track.

  8. jeb

    Your title says it all Nonnie. My post-apocolypse plan is to pick up some of his books in the bargain bin and if the macaca hits the fan, I can just pull them out and skim a few pages when the hunger pains kick in. Voila, it’s back to my hallucinations about how if we’d kept taxes low for the wealthy, none of this would have happened.

    • my plan is to rummage through the houses of all the holier-than-thous and find all their dirty little secrets. oh, and i’ll raid their refrigerators, too.

  9. A number of folks asked my opinion of buying gold for worst case situations back in my jewlery store days and the advice was always the same: If it worries you, buy lead, you’ll need that much more. As to wether eat Jenny Craig or face death, the answer is obvious.

    • i can understand that people might want to invest in gold. what i can’t understand is anyone trusting glenn blechhh and taking advice from him on investing or on which companies to trust. anyone who listens to him and thinks he’s trustworthy deserves to lose their money.