Don’t Dance, Don’t Tell

I just got home, and I have nothing prepared, so I’m dusting off another American Street oldie goldie. Since Captain Underpants is being a total dick about DADT, I picked out a post about him. It was originally posted on March 19, 2008.


Hey kids! Anyone else watch Dancing With the Stars? Yeah, I admit it, I have watched every season. I am just getting over the nightmares I had last season after seeing the flesh on Wayne Newton’s face stretched so tight that, every time he raised his eyebrows, his manboobs jiggled. So anyway, I tune in to watch this season, and there’s Priscilla Presley with so much botox and collagen in her face that she has to wear this around her neck! Seriously, these people are so friggin’ rich, and they still can’t afford a plastic surgeon who doesn’t make people look like The Joker from Batman? She couldn’t even smile!!! I’m not kidding! I bet she has to eat through a straw, because I don’t think her jaw can move enough to chew! Seriously, you have to watch just to see her face!

But I digress. This isn’t about Dancing With the Stars, Mr. Danke Schoen, or Elvis’s ex. So what is this about? Damned if I remember. Hold on, I think I wrote it down somewhere……Oh, yeah!! It’s about Captain Underpants John McCain! Dancing John McCain!
It all started back in April of 2007. I reported on Captain Underpants’s John McCain’s trip to Baghdad. That’s when I first spotted his propensity for dancing.

(You can find a larger version and the song he was dancing to here. Go ahead, sing along. I’ll wait for you.)

Trip the light fantastic with me, and I will show you more of Captain Underpants’s John McCain’s twinkletoes, as well as some advice I have for him.

Previously, I have reported to you how Captain Underpants John McCain tiptoes around issues…
…and his song and dance about how he will change things in Washington, but we all know that he is stuck in the past.

I think Captain Underpants John McCain needs to jazz things up a bit, show what a hep cat he really is. Being a good-natured bitch person, I am going to help him out. Here’s my plan….

Ladies and gentlemen, American Street urchins, and my dear visiting Raisinettes, I present to you…..

Let’s face it, no matter what Captain Underpants’s John McCain’s handlers try, they can’t make him younger, smarter, or more appealing to the conservative base. Therefore, they will have to depend on a running mate to make the ticket a bit more appetizing. I thought we could look at some of the possible choices and the dances that would suit them best.

The Paso Doble is a theatrical dance in which one partner plays the part of a bullfighter, and the other partner plays the cape, there to the bullfighter’s bidding. Who has proven lately to be someone who will lower himself to do the bidding of Captain Underpants John McCain? Why, Mitt Romney, of course!

The Foxtrot is basically the Two-Step (as opposed to the Keating 5-Step, which we may cover at a future date). Now, the word trot might not be a very good one to use in the McCain campaign, as its plural is trots, and that might suggest an incontinence problem, and Captain Underpants John McCain is almost 72 years old. Therefore, people might be reassured by a Veep who is a couple of decades younger than he is. Tim Pawlenty, governor of Minnesota, is just a kid at 47 and has been mentioned as a possible running mate.

The Rethuglicans have been accused of being the party of exclusion, so perhaps a woman as a running mate might be the answer. Talk about inclusive, what about a woman of color? And what if there is the added bonus that she is in the pocket of Big Oil? You are way ahead of me, aren’t you, kids? You know I am talking about Condi! And since we are talking about Big Oil, you know that they must be dancing the Cha-chaching!

Then again, maybe it’s time for a reach around….I mean time to reach across the aisle. The Tango is a dance of flirtation and passion, and we all know who Captain Underpants John McCain is crazy about, and vice versa–Joe Lieberman! Why, I read that just yesterday, Joe was whispering sweet nothings into Captain Underpants’s John McCain’s ear! And in public! Yep, I think the Tango is perfect for them!

What a fun show this could be, kids! We can check with the judges to see what they think…

and, of course, there will be guest stars! One of the first will be the endorserer-in-chief, who will be performing…

the ChickenHawk Dance.


Filed under 2008 election, Ann Coulter, Chimpy, Condoleezza Rice, George W. Bush, humor, Iraq War, Joe Lieberman, John McCain, Mitt Romney, parody, politics, Republicans, Rush Limbaugh, Scandals, snark, television, Wordpress Political Blogs

27 responses to “Don’t Dance, Don’t Tell

  1. I’m starting to think President Bush actually wrote his book. I read it’s plagiarized. So, maybe there wasn’t a ghost writer after all. πŸ™‚

  2. Oh. McCain in a tutu is SO gross. Blech.

    • no, it’s okay! if you look closely, you’ll see that, even though it caused blood to run down his manboob, he was able to affix his flag pin to his bare chest.

      • Moobs. Moobs and backfat. Bacon in a tutu. My aesthetic is pained more than the pinned moob.

        I’m really digging the tango though. McCain looks intense…like he forgot to take his metamucil.

  3. jean-philippe

    Do I get your hand is better?
    Myself I’m still having the time of my life with Bush’s “cut and paste” memoirs. I guess you have been inspiring me.

    • no, j-p, the hand is the same, if not a little worse. of course, it’s my own fault for not resisting the urge to photoshop yesterday.

      love the new book cover!

      • jean-philippe

        Glad you like it πŸ˜€

        If we lived in a fair world, a lot of teabaggers would have jaw pain instead of your photoshop hand hurting.

        And Merlot producers would lynch John Boehner.


  4. Pingback: Tweets that mention Don’t Dance, Don’t Tell Β« HYSTERICAL RAISINS --

  5. Dancing with the Stars? Princess Sarah’s fans are keeping her daughter on the show. It will take a concerted effort by everyone else to kick the eldest Palin daughter off the show and have someone worthy win. So, who should we rally behind? I say Jennifer Grey. Does anyone else have any better ideas?

    • the judges have overscored her every single time, and they sugarcoat every comment to her. it’s as though they’re terrified of her batshit mother. i’d like to see her literally fall on her ass on live tv. she’s been an ungracious lump of lard that her partner schleps across the floor each week, and i’d love to see her fail big time. as she gets older and hopefully a little wiser, she’ll come to realize she was a total embarrassment. if she had any class, she would have bowed out weeks ago and said that she knows she was only getting votes for political reasons, not for her prowess on the dance floor. a palin with class!!! πŸ˜† oh, how i make myself giggle!

      i hope jennifer wins, though i don’t ever bother to vote.

    • i’ve read a few articles about that. tucker carlson is such a lowlife. he can’t keep a job, and he blames everyone else for his misfortune. he’ll try to convince himself that everyone is laughing with him for this little stunt, but he knows that they’re really laughing at him.

  6. jean-philippe

    You know, if you’re inspired by Mitch McDonnell, it would be awesome to see him and his 4 chins on this with the wig and the apparel:

    Not that I’m advocating against your hand’s right for happiness…

  7. Championship Ballroom Dancing on PBS-big yes! DWTS-here,take this revolver and just shoot me!