Herstory

Okay, so, the world started about 6,000 years ago when Jesus was ridin’ around on his dinosaur and shootin’ up moose, so’s he could make moose stew for himself and all his friends (not for all those poor people). Anyways, like I was sayin’, Jesus managed to do all that while also,too, startin’ up the NRA. Most people don’t know that, you betcha!

historyoftheworld

Original DVD cover
(Click on image and then on that for largest version)

Later on, America was started by Christian guys (all white, of course, but I’m not a racist).  George Washington was one of them (and, by the way, I can’t pick my favorite foundin’ father, no matter how much that creepy Glenn Beck tries to make me, because they were all so awesome).  Anyways, George Washington had a farm (E-I-E-I-O LOL!) called Mount Vernon.  He did all his own plantin’ and was really busy.  At least, that’s what my kid/bodyguard Piper told me.

When Piper laid the wreath at George Washington’s tomb this afternoon, I wished that every American school student could be here to see and feel the spirit of our nation’s first father. Even Piper was able to grasp the significance of being in the presence of our first President – who had such diverse interests – when she told me later “how hard he must have worked to keep that farm going!”

In 1776 (or around there), America had a revolution, which was won by the Tea Party Patriots.  Before it got won, though, there were lots of brave people, such as Paul Revere, who rode on his horse (which had one of those blue police lights that turns around on top of his head) with his big bell to warn the British that they were gonna get their butts whipped!

He who warned, uh, the … the British that they weren’t gonna be takin’ away our arms, uh, by ringin’ those bells and, um, by makin’ sure that as he’s ridin’ his horse through town to send those warnin’ shots and bells that, uh, we were gonna be secure and we were gonna be free … and we were gonna be armed.

After that, the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution and the Second Amendment got signed.  After that, the founding fathers worked really, really hard until slavery was wiped out (Michele Bachmann taught me all about that, but she’s still a bitch for tryin’ to stomp on my territory).
Later on, we had a Civil War that really had nuthin’ to do with slavery, and you really can’t blame those secessionists, you know.  (Wink, wink to all those primary voters in South Carolina and to Governor Rick Perry in Texas!)

So anyways, after all that, other stuff happened, including us gettin’ a present from France.  Yeah, I’m talkin’ about the Statute of Liberty!

Lady Liberty is the symbol of unity and friendship we have with other freedom-loving nations. It’s also a “warning” of sorts, as France encouraged us to keep democracy alive as the recipient of this gift… basically telling us not to blow it. Thank you for this reminder, France!

Also, too:

This Statue of Liberty was gifted to us by foreign leaders, really as a warning to us, it was a warning to us to stay unique and to stay exceptional from other countries. Certainly not to go down the path of other countries that adopted socialist policies.

So anyways, other stuff happened, like some wars, the greatest one, of course, being the one in Grenada, because our greatest president ever, Ronald Reagan really kicked butt, and he made sure that the world would always have access to Grenadine, which, let’s face it, is the most important ingredient in cocktails.

There was some other stuff, like President George W. Bush killin’ Obama…oops!  I mean, Osama bin Laden over in Afghaniraq, and Michelle Obama (how come she spells her name with 2 Ls, but Michele Bachmann-that bitch!-only has 1?  I’ll ask Piper later) tryin’ to force Governor Chris Christie to eat an apple instead of a full pan of lasagna.

Well, that’s about it for now.  Maybe I’ll get back on my One Nation bus and drive through your town someday soon!

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39 Comments

Filed under Barack Obama, Chimpy, Christianity, Constitution, France, George W. Bush, Glenn Beck, Guns, humor, Jesus, movies, NRA, Osama bin Laden, parody, politics, Republicans, Ronald Reagan, Sarah Palin, snark, South Carolina, Texas, Wordpress Political Blogs

39 responses to “Herstory

  1. have to make dinner, didn’t have a chance to read through or edit, so let me know where i screwed up. back soon.

    • jeb

      You made her sound almost human. Try again! 🙂

      Bon Apetit.

      • well, my blood sugar was low, so i couldn’t think straight. oh wait, that helped! 😉

        p.s. my apetit was quite bon! i made breaded tilapia. i never made breaded fish before, and it came out delish! my son loved it.

  2. jeb

    I saw the Paul Revere clip today. I was just F’ing speechless. Really. Too bad she isn’t.

    • isn’t it amazing? what’s more amazing is that people are actually defending her! someone scraped this up from a letter that revere wrote:

      I observed a Wood at a Small distance, & made for that. When I got there, out Started Six officers, on Horse back,and orderd me to dismount;-one of them, who appeared to have the command, examined me, where I came from,& what my Name Was? I told him. it was Revere, he asked if it was Paul? I told him yes He asked me if I was an express? I answered in the afirmative. He demanded what time I left Boston? I told him; and aded, that their troops had catched aground in passing the River, and that There would be five hundred Americans there in a short time, for I had alarmed the Country all the way up. He imediately rode towards those who stoppd us, when all five of them came down upon a full gallop; one of them, whom I afterwards found to be Major Mitchel, of the 5th Regiment, Clapped his pistol to my head, called me by name, & told me he was going to ask me some questions, & if I did not give him true answers, he would blow my brains out. He then asked me similar questions to those above. He then orderd me to mount my Horse, after searching me for arms

      like princess sarah, the scholar, actually delved deep enough to actually read that letter!

      rick ungar at forbes sets the record straight.

  3. John Erickson

    Oh, I hope she drives through my town soon! I’ll put this little backwoods corner of Ohio on the map forever! No, I promise, I won’t get violet. I got Blackjack for that! 😉
    So, nothing about World War 2? After all, the Japanese fought a huge battle around Midway Island in 1942, just so they could invade the Aleutians prior to capturing Alaska so they’d have our oil and polar bears! And from there, they could bomb New York with their little one-engine planes, you betcha! And her grandpappy and a couple of Eskimos chased off the whole Jap fleet, rightie-o?
    I say we start a raffle, $5 gets you a chance to duct tape her mouth shut. Betcha we could raise enough money to stick her AND her whole brood on a used garbage scow, and STILL re-house all those who lost their homes in the spring storms. $5? Anybody? Bueller? 😀

    • does your town have any cliffs the bus can drive off (just figuratively, of course 😉 ).

      she’ll probably talk about ww2 if and when she takes the bus to hawaii. she’ll point out that there are no mosques located too close to pearl harbor.

      where do i buy those raffle tickets?

      • John Erickson

        There actually is an old bridgeway, where the actual bridge is gone but you can drive right up to the edge. A quickie “faux” bridge and a few detour signs, and GLUB. ‘Course, 8 months out of the year, you can WALK across the river, and another 3 1/2 it’s frozen solid, so we’d REALLY have to co-ordinate her arrival. However, there are some pretty tall overlooks around here, where a bus would be in trouble if, say, the brakes failed, or if a couple tires happened to go flat? Strange things happen around here! (Some say even more so since we moved in! 😉 )
        One problem with the raffle. I need to find some company that will sell me a duct tape roll that can only be carried on a railway flatcar. Otherwise, there ain’t enough on a roll! 😀

  4. I joked when I asked if a bus tour could be a train wreck, but it did not take long for that question to be answered.

    But there it is that dazed look, brain not engaged, mouth in gear.
    Palin yammering on.

    It shifts so quicky though from a guffaw of “can you believe it”?, to *make it stop, I am at my nerve’s end*

    Palin is a waste of time. Her tour of confusion, hell she does not even know if she is running, but that’s just her grifter way of building excitement & mystery.

    She should just park that bus in a ditch & quit now , because in the end, quitting is what she does best.

  5. elizabeth3hersh

    I could swear I saw Sarah blink just now (wondering “how did nonnie do that!?”)…nah, I must have blinked. It was that distracting Neiman Marcus tag again (the prices always make me blink, but I still buy). On occasion, I have such a deliciously detailed dream that (while just slightly conscious) I scan my dream environ intensely soaking in all the details so I can remember it when I awaken. I’m pleased to say that I did this with your newest addition and never fail to use my magnification keyboard feature so I don’t miss anything. What I would give to spend an afternoon with you (tea sipping and waxing philosophical) so I can observe your tricks of the trade. Another masterful piece of art nonnie. Well done.

    • thanks for the kind words, elizabeth. i didn’t think i’d ever get this poster done (and almost didn’t), because i kept adding to it. i was having way too much fun.

      you’d probably be disappointed if you ever watched me slap one of these posters together. i only had one night school class in photoshop with a teacher who barely spoke english. that was fun! 😆 there are things i do that take hours when there’s probably a very simple way of doing them in just a matter of seconds. i still find stuff in photoshop that makes me say wow! i had no idea i could do that! i’d love to sit at darkblack’s or terry’s (from urantian sojourn) elbows and learn from the masters. instead, i depend on tutorials that i find online.

  6. 😆 Good Lord. How humiliating for Republicans. 😆

    • but they continue to defend her. i’d bet anything that most rethugs (the ones in power, that is) hate her, but they’re scared shitless to say anything negative about her. they have a dilemma. they usually leave the smack-talking to people like karl rove. however, how far can they go, if they still want roger ailes paying them? i hope they all implode under all the pressure.

  7. One of the most active Twitter hashtags the past couple of days was #palinhistory for people imagining her latest faux pas. I added your post to the feed.
    http://twitter.com/#!/search/%23palinhistory

    • 😆 those comments are hilarious!!!

      thanks so much for the tweet (is that the correct verbiage?), neon vincent. you’re so good to me. i’m wondering if the raisin should get a twitter account. i don’t like the idea of posting personal info, and that’s one of the reasons why i never got an account. however, wordpress has a new twitter thing going (not that i understand it), so i’m wondering if it would be worth it.

      • Having a Twitter account for Hysterical Raisins would probably be a good idea to attract followers and find more like-minded people (I recommend Gotta Laff, who runs Political Carnival) who aren’t already on WordPress or Daily Kos. You’ll probably never have to complain about traffic to this blog again. However, you’d probably have to create an email account for it instead of using your own. I recommend GMail or Hotmail for that.

        That’s the upside. As for the downside, ask Anthony Weiner about it, except he’s too busy. Better yet, ask Stranded Wind/Neal Rauhauser. He’s a much more active Twitter warrior than I am. Conservatives love to troll Twitter.

        • i’m still on the fence, mostly because i’m not sure how it all works. i thought that a twitter account has to be personal and that you had to use your real name. still not sure i want to do that.

        • i read something about that this afternoon, but it was just a snippet. i didn’t realize the scope. amazing how such a small group of delusional people can cause so much trouble in the name of someone so unworthy.

  8. Of course they will keep her around. Intellect has nothing to do with her appeal. It’s that one in 310 million chance that drives the fantasy of having “ones way” with that naughty librarian GmILF that drives them goper men crazy, not surprising in a social group that only gets nookie twice a year (only 6 and a half months till Xmas!).

    • they’ll keep her around, because they have no choice. however, once roger ailes has had enough of her stupidity (and that day will come), then the bloom will be off the rose, and she’ll no longer get all the attention she gets now. the only reason cnn, msnbc, and the network news cover her is because faux news does. why faux news gets to set the agenda, i don’t know. i suspect it’s because the heads of the other networks have no balls. princess will always have some followers, but the numbers will dwindle, especially when she keeps making a fool of herself. some people will put forward ridiculous defenses, as they did in this case, but the more they do that, the more those who need a modicum of gravitas will distance themselves from them.

      • The end may be getting closer. Just saw a screen shoot of a Fox blonde doing a news bit with picture of Tina Fey in the inset. Ten years from now she will go into the house studio, led by a much older Tod in his tuxedo, to sit before the long unused camera and say “I’m ready for my close up Mr. Ailes”.

        • i just saw that! 😆 i think that, in the near future, princess will only be seen in the news when some gossip sheet spots her coming out of the plastic surgeon’s office.

  9. jean-philippe

    The medias should all be sent to Betty Ford to overcome their dependance on idiots.

  10. Yikes! Everyone needs to view the full-size version of the picture so you don’t miss anything. You’ve put it all in!

    The sad part is that something very much like this is probably what a lot of teabaggers believe, in a vague and un-examined way.

  11. I agree with Elizabeth, without magnification I’d miss a lot of detail in your posters, and to do all this after just one photoshop course — now that’s impressive!
    edgy (nom de comment)

    • nom de comment! 😆

      glad you like the poster, edgy. i was going to use this poster once before a while ago, but, for some reason, i didn’t. now i’m glad i didn’t, because it couldn’t have worked as well as it did for this story.

  12. I’ve heard 2 pundits so far laugh over that Revere gaffe. Like seriously falling over laughing. And it makes me laugh. Ahaha

  13. Awesome, nonnie. The Roger Ailes and the Fear Factory one is also one of your best.

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