Herstory

Okay, so, the world started about 6,000 years ago when Jesus was ridin’ around on his dinosaur and shootin’ up moose, so’s he could make moose stew for himself and all his friends (not for all those poor people). Anyways, like I was sayin’, Jesus managed to do all that while also,too, startin’ up the NRA. Most people don’t know that, you betcha!

Original DVD cover
(Click on image and then on that for largest version)

Later on, America was started by Christian guys (all white, of course, but I’m not a racist).  George Washington was one of them (and, by the way, I can’t pick my favorite foundin’ father, no matter how much that creepy Glenn Beck tries to make me, because they were all so awesome).  Anyways, George Washington had a farm (E-I-E-I-O LOL!) called Mount Vernon.  He did all his own plantin’ and was really busy.  At least, that’s what my kid/bodyguard Piper told me.

When Piper laid the wreath at George Washington’s tomb this afternoon, I wished that every American school student could be here to see and feel the spirit of our nation’s first father. Even Piper was able to grasp the significance of being in the presence of our first President – who had such diverse interests – when she told me later “how hard he must have worked to keep that farm going!”

In 1776 (or around there), America had a revolution, which was won by the Tea Party Patriots.  Before it got won, though, there were lots of brave people, such as Paul Revere, who rode on his horse (which had one of those blue police lights that turns around on top of his head) with his big bell to warn the British that they were gonna get their butts whipped!

He who warned, uh, the … the British that they weren’t gonna be takin’ away our arms, uh, by ringin’ those bells and, um, by makin’ sure that as he’s ridin’ his horse through town to send those warnin’ shots and bells that, uh, we were gonna be secure and we were gonna be free … and we were gonna be armed.

After that, the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution and the Second Amendment got signed.  After that, the founding fathers worked really, really hard until slavery was wiped out (Michele Bachmann taught me all about that, but she’s still a bitch for tryin’ to stomp on my territory).
Later on, we had a Civil War that really had nuthin’ to do with slavery, and you really can’t blame those secessionists, you know.  (Wink, wink to all those primary voters in South Carolina and to Governor Rick Perry in Texas!)

So anyways, after all that, other stuff happened, including us gettin’ a present from France.  Yeah, I’m talkin’ about the Statute of Liberty!

Lady Liberty is the symbol of unity and friendship we have with other freedom-loving nations. It’s also a “warning” of sorts, as France encouraged us to keep democracy alive as the recipient of this gift… basically telling us not to blow it. Thank you for this reminder, France!

Also, too:

This Statue of Liberty was gifted to us by foreign leaders, really as a warning to us, it was a warning to us to stay unique and to stay exceptional from other countries. Certainly not to go down the path of other countries that adopted socialist policies.

So anyways, other stuff happened, like some wars, the greatest one, of course, being the one in Grenada, because our greatest president ever, Ronald Reagan really kicked butt, and he made sure that the world would always have access to Grenadine, which, let’s face it, is the most important ingredient in cocktails.

There was some other stuff, like President George W. Bush killin’ Obama…oops!  I mean, Osama bin Laden over in Afghaniraq, and Michelle Obama (how come she spells her name with 2 Ls, but Michele Bachmann-that bitch!-only has 1?  I’ll ask Piper later) tryin’ to force Governor Chris Christie to eat an apple instead of a full pan of lasagna.

Well, that’s about it for now.  Maybe I’ll get back on my One Nation bus and drive through your town someday soon!