Dear Senator Gillibrand,
Please consider this my letter of resignation from the Democratic Party. I’ve been a Democrat ever since I was old enough to vote. It is with a heavy heart that I must resign, because I cannot possibly meet the new purity standards.
You see, Senator Gillibrand (I don’t want to be too familiar and be guilty of verbal groping by using your first name), I have to come clean. Before I continue, let me point out that I am female, so you have to believe everything I say. With that made clear, I will continue with the reasons that I am compelled to resign immediately.
I am a groper. I have touched and even grabbed women’s asses, men’s asses, and..lordy, lordy…even children’s asses! Some touches and grabs were meant to be funny, and a lot of them were returned in kind. However, I did not have written or verbal permission for any of them. I’ve touched the asses of complete strangers as well. Those were accidental, but as you and the other Democratic opportunists who want to run for POTUS in 2020…I mean, the other morally perfect Democrats who have called for Senator Al Franken’s resignation, there has to be a zero tolerance for this behavior, and all offenses must be considered equal.
I have done other horrible things. I have, on probably hundreds of occasions, put my arm around people’s waists. I’ve even gotten in a squeeze or two. I had no idea that this qualifies as sexual abuse, but ignorance of the law is no excuse. I am forever grateful to Tina Dupuy for making me aware that I was doing something so heinous. I could defend myself by saying that, in certain cases, I was told by photographers to stand very close to other people, and it was necessary for me to put my predatory hands on the waists of innocent people who were, in some cases, family members (which makes me an incestuous abuser and even more disgusting), people I had known for a while, some I had just met and some who were strangers to me. However, just because those photographers were aiding and abetting my predatory and lascivious behavior, I am ultimately responsible.
Now that I have established my history as not only a serial groper but as a child abuser as well, I will sadly accept my banishment from the Democratic Party forever. Before I go, Senator Gillibrand, I hope you will allow me to make a suggestion that might just save the party. I’ve been doing some thinking, and I’ve come to the conclusion that never touching another human being might be hard to do, especially in crowds. Walking around wearing a hockey mask and catcher’s mitts on both hands can be cumbersome and rather sweaty (I live in South Florida). Since human contact in some way seems to be inevitable, and since we are certainly not able to police ourselves and our own behavior (when I say “we” I don’t mean any of those who asked for Senator Franken’s resignation who are, undoubtedly, like yourself, saints walking among us), then we need someone to take the reins and make sure that everyone is living up to the highest moral standards, a Morality Czar. What’s even better is that we can kill two birds with one stone and have the Morality Czar run for Al Franken’s seat! I have the perfect person for the job. All we need are some shovels and an exhumation order. I looked on a map, and I saw that Minnesota is right next to Wisconsin. Know who was once a senator from Wisconsin? Joe McCarthy! He’s got the perfect resume–condemning people based on nothing but allegations (no matter how suspect they may be), a zero tolerance policy, and using his self-righteous indignation and his official position to raise his own poltical profile. Now, I know we will have to move whatever is left of his cadaver over the border to Minnesota, and we will have to convince him to switch parties, but I don’t foresee any problem, as he was a Democrat before he was a Republican.
In parting, let me apologize for bringing shame on the Democratic Party. If I had only been corrupt instead, I could still hold my head up high with my Democratic credentials intact. I will watch the remaining saintly Democrats from afar as you sink into the quicksand…I mean, as you stand on that moral high ground.