Lather, Rinse, Resign

Dear Senator Gillibrand,

Please consider this my letter of resignation from the Democratic Party. I’ve been a Democrat ever since I was old enough to vote. It is with a heavy heart that I must resign, because I cannot possibly meet the new purity standards.

ivory soap gillibrand

Original image

You see, Senator Gillibrand (I don’t want to be too familiar and be guilty of verbal groping by using your first name), I have to come clean. Before I continue, let me point out that I am female, so you have to believe everything I say. With that made clear, I will continue with the reasons that I am compelled to resign immediately.

I am a groper. I have touched and even grabbed women’s asses, men’s asses, and..lordy, lordy…even children’s asses! Some touches and grabs were meant to be funny, and a lot of them were returned in kind. However, I did not have written or verbal permission for any of them. I’ve touched the asses of complete strangers as well. Those were accidental, but as you and the other Democratic opportunists who want to run for POTUS in 2020…I mean, the other morally perfect Democrats who have called for Senator Al Franken’s resignation, there has to be a zero tolerance for this behavior, and all offenses must be considered equal.

I have done other horrible things. I have, on probably hundreds of occasions, put my arm around people’s waists. I’ve even gotten in a squeeze or two. I had no idea that this qualifies as sexual abuse, but ignorance of the law is no excuse. I am forever grateful to Tina Dupuy for making me aware that I was doing something so heinous. I could defend myself by saying that, in certain cases, I was told by photographers to stand very close to other people, and it was necessary for me to put my predatory hands on the waists of innocent people who were, in some cases, family members (which makes me an incestuous abuser and even more disgusting), people I had known for a while, some I had just met and some who were strangers to me. However, just because those photographers were aiding and abetting my predatory and lascivious behavior, I am ultimately responsible.

Now that I have established my history as not only a serial groper but as a child abuser as well, I will sadly accept my banishment from the Democratic Party forever. Before I go, Senator Gillibrand, I hope you will allow me to make a suggestion that might just save the party. I’ve been doing some thinking, and I’ve come to the conclusion that never touching another human being might be hard to do, especially in crowds. Walking around wearing a hockey mask and catcher’s mitts on both hands can be cumbersome and rather sweaty (I live in South Florida). Since human contact in some way seems to be inevitable, and since we are certainly not able to police ourselves and our own behavior (when I say “we” I don’t mean any of those who asked for Senator Franken’s resignation who are, undoubtedly, like yourself, saints walking among us), then we need someone to take the reins and make sure that everyone is living up to the highest moral standards, a Morality Czar. What’s even better is that we can kill two birds with one stone and have the Morality Czar run for Al Franken’s seat! I have the perfect person for the job. All we need are some shovels and an exhumation order. I looked on a map, and I saw that Minnesota is right next to Wisconsin. Know who was once a senator from Wisconsin? Joe McCarthy! He’s got the perfect resume–condemning people based on nothing but allegations (no matter how suspect they may be), a zero tolerance policy, and using his self-righteous indignation and his official position to raise his own poltical profile. Now, I know we will have to move whatever is left of his cadaver over the border to Minnesota, and we will have to convince him to switch parties, but I don’t foresee any problem, as he was a Democrat before he was a Republican.

In parting, let me apologize for bringing shame on the Democratic Party. If I had only been corrupt instead, I could still hold my head up high with my Democratic credentials intact. I will watch the remaining saintly Democrats from afar as you sink into the quicksand…I mean, as you stand on that moral high ground.

Sincerely,

Nonnie

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42 Comments

Filed under Democrats, humor, parody, politics, satire, Sexual Harassment, snark, Wordpress Political Blogs

42 responses to “Lather, Rinse, Resign

  1. Sherry Shirk

    Nonnie – you read my mind. I can’t party with Gilly & Co.

  2. Friend of the court

    me too.

    • Where have you been, FOTC? I’ve missed you. πŸ˜₯

      Have you seen the shitshow over at the big orange? People are fighting, and if you dare to defend Franken, you are called a misogynist, a pedophile lover, and even a racist (at least, someone called me that, because I said I like John Conyers, but I believe the accusations against him). I won’t even post a link here, because I don’t want to be bombarded by all the comments about how I am against women.

      We were so unified against Twitler and Moore and Eddie Munst…I mean, Paul Ryan and Yertle, and these opportunistic asshole threw that all away. I am furious!!!

      • Friend of the court

        John Conyers should have had someone looking out for him. Al Franken’s resignation, broke my heart. The f’ing joke was that she was wearing a flack jacket! I think Jefferson Sessions’ fan club went after Al. Jeff don’t like Al.

        • I felt sorry for Conyers, and I wish he could have just retired quietly.

          I think the attack on Franken was a Roger Stone hit job. All the evidence points to that. Not only was she wearing a flak jacket, but he wasn’t even touching her! I don’t think Sessions was behind it, but I think Franken’s taking Sessions apart was the impetus. I also think Franken being Jewish was the cherry on top of the tiki torch sundae. A little wink and nod to that faction just for shits and giggles.

  3. I’m pasting this. Thanks Nonnie.

    • Thank you Chandler. These morons don’t realize that what they’ve done in their quest for purity is to have Democrats at each other’s throats. They will have to run a campaign in Minnesota in 2 years now, and the coffers won’t be overflowing, because so many people have said they will no longer donate a dime (me included).

  4. Brilliant. Thank you. So many of us are feeling sad and betrayed by what democrats have done.

  5. What a pack of idiots.

    • They accomplished nothing good and everything bad. No Al, Dems at each other’s throats, people closing their pocketbooks to the DNC, and a lot of pissed off Dems hoping that the backstabbers get primaried by people more concerned with them instead of their own political careers.

      • chezmoi

        One thing that today’s excellent rant brings up is that so many people are threatening (as so many have already done) to leave the Democratic party. I find that highly unproductive.

        Yes, I closed my little coin purse to the DNC after the primary, and even more tightly since they purged the progressives from official positions a couple of months ago. We’ve already seen that campaign financing from the voter direct to the right candidates can work. I send my money direct to where it will do the most good.

        So my theory, and it is mine, is that instead of leaving, we should work even harder for the party at precinct level to get progressives elected to local and state seats, and into positions of power in state parties. It is ridiculous to flounce away and register as an Indie. What leverage will that give you? With the existing system, third parties are a joke, or worse. If we are ever to have a chance at retaking our own party, it will be by dint of hard work from the inside. Am I nuts?

        • @Chezmoi
          Not nuts. But sometimes catharsis is quite useful, no?

        • You are not nuts at all, my dear chezmoi (except for, perhaps, the perpetual state of going nuts that we have all been in since the election last year). If you ask me one minute whether people should change their party affiliation, I will probably give you a different answer than I did the minute before. I am of two minds.

          One minute, I think to myself that changing parties is cutting off my nose to spite my face (one of the more gory metaphors of all time). If I change parties, I lose the ability to vote in primaries. If I can’t vote in a primary, how am I supposed to be an agent of change in the party?

          The next minute, I will tell you that I have to change parties, because, if enough people do that, it will send a strong signal to the Democrats and the DNC that we are really pissed off. Yes, there are other ways of doing that, like writing to them or calling them, but I don’t believe they pay that much attention to that except when it comes to a few issues that individual members of Congress might pay a political price for either supporting or rejecting. When I look at the DNC now, it occurs to me the person who gets the most attention is Bernie Sanders (don’t get me started! 😑 ) and his merry band of malcontents. If they want something changed, it somehow seems to get done, even though Sanders is not and never was a Democrat. If he and his people wield that much power, maybe my becoming an Independent will make my voice louder. If you look at polls or listen to the talking heads on TV (don’t get me started! :mad:), they always talk about the swing voters, the independents. Maybe I should be one of those. If nothing else, maybe Frank Luntz (don’t get me started! 😑 ) will have me on one of his focus groups. πŸ˜›

          I guess that I am not quite sure what is nuts and what is not nuts these days. So far, I haven’t made up my mind. If it was as simple as just going online in order to change your affiliation, I probably would have done it 3 or 4 days ago. Since you have to request a form here in sunny Floriduhhh, I have had time to cool down a bit and think about what to do. So far, I haven’t come to a certain conclusion.

  6. I don’t know what to make of this issue. On one hand, I’m inclined to say that it’s about time some men, with their Russian hands and Roman fingers, get put on the spot for it. Then again, this seems to be taking on the atmosphere of a witch hunt, where you are guilty just because you’re accused. It also begs the question of where to draw the line. As you point out, we’re all guilty to some degree of uninvited touching.

    • I agree with you on that 100%, Tippy. I’m glad men are getting called out. They deserve it. On the other hand, are we really going to believe every woman every time? If so, let’s get rid of the courts and trials and all that nonsense. I honestly do not believe Leeann Tweeden. I think she’s a Roger Stone operative. I think the other women are looking back, and what might have been something innocent in the past has been skewed in their minds into something sinister, simply because someone else accused him (and a couple of them are pretty suspect, too). Their stories don’t make sense. Even if they are telling the truth, is what he purportedly did so egregious that it warrants a political death warrant? There’s something called proportionality. I would venture to bet that most of the senators who called on Franken to resign (and most of the general population) have, at one time or another, done far worse. We have all done stupid things. We all have regrets. That doesn’t make us perverts or bad people. On the other hand, what Roy Moore is accused of (and for which there is supporting evidence) is disgusting and vile and against all that is considered decent in society. To put them in the same category is ridiculous and wrong.

  7. i love you, nonnie
    not in a groping way, but you have my heart.
    the rest of me is drained, thanks to these 35 Dem Senators sacrificing Al on their empty altar of moral high ground.

    thank you for this post & thank you for the tweets.
    thank you for your loyalty and trust in Senator Al Franken.
    i am and will forever be proud to have worked hard for him in 2007 and on.

    so, on his behalf (this *is* a grab for me), THANK YOU.

    • Awww, I love you, too, Ilya! ❀ (Don't worry, my hands are on the keyboard, so you are safe.)

      I had forgotten you are in Minnesota. What are people saying up there? I read that Dayton is only going to appoint someone who promises not to run for the seat when the term is over. Is that true? If so, what the hell is he thinking? Even if that's not true, Amy Klobuchar is up for reelection in 2018, and there will be a special election for Franken's seat in 2018, so that's twice as much money that will be needed for Minnesota, and the voters' attention will have to be split in half. I am having dark visions of Batshit Bachmann running for Senate. Holy shit! We would not have had to worry about Al Franken's seat until 2020. OMG! I am having a aneurysm! WTF is wrong with those assholes in the Senate?

      Sorry about that little rant, but my head seems to explode at regular intervals lately. You should be proud you worked for Al. I am proud of him. I don’t believe he did anything wrong (other than pose for a juvenile picture), and I don’t believe he believes that he did any of those things he is accused of. His speech was heartbreaking and noble. There was one Democrat in that chamber that day who is a class act, and his name is Al Franken. I hope he knows how much so many people love him.

      • good morning.

        all my friends are like my twitter feed: angry. we all sound just like you, just not as eloquent. i will give you two specific tidbits about the mood/sentiment:

        – my wife is urging me NOT to speak out against all the “Gillibrands” in our state DFL & national Democratic Party. she fears the #metoo tide will bury me because this is not a man’s fight. men speaking on behalf of men have no place on this stage. in pragmatic, political sense, she does have a point. we, men, have hogged the stage too long, and look at what we’ve done outside of the spotlight. i think you understand her meaning & mine. i respect her sentiment, so i bite my lip more than it is my custom.

        – the other tidbit is more telling. MPR (Minnesota Public Radio) did an hour-long call-in the afternoon after Al announced his resignation. It was co-hosted by a couple of politicos. All the calls coming in were in dismay and anger about resignation. Some saying that they were done with DFL. All women, btw. The host tried to portray it as “mixed responses”, but it was pretty uniform.

        Third call, however, was more informed than the crowd: she talked about Roger Stone tweet a day before about Al’s turn in the barrel. She mentioned the stuff you & i talk about: first accuser’s Hannity background, trump voting, vocal right wing support. & the fact that she was no prude/debutante, but a nude model, a person least likely to be traumatized (for 10 years as she claimed) by that photo. That she is not who she claims to be, and what the politico thought about these reports that Al Franken was elaborately framed by the Stone machine?

        The response was chilling: a nervous laugh followed by dismissal: β€œwe are not going to engage in conspiracy theories”. Something else about dealing in fact. What this woman stated were a string of FACTS that underline & frame our suspicions. She was dismissed. It is not a part of the MRP narrative. It is not a part of national narrative.

        Masha Geisen wrote a great piece on this (https://www.newyorker.com/news/our-columnists/al-franken-resignation-and-the-selective-force-of-metoo), Al Franken being made a victim AND a sacrifice by the Democratic Party on the hollow altar of higher moral ground. Mica B on the show that I have come to loathe during the elections framed it similarly. Sorry that this is long, raw and angry. But that’s pretty much me these days.

      • one other thing my rambling response forgot to summarize: with all that political calculus, cold & cynical positioning, how can national democrats *STILL* miss the obvious and self-destructive harm their circular firing squad has wrought?!

        /back to being pissed/

        • Ramble on, Ilya! Thanks for the Minnesota perspective and for the Minnesota reaction. I am afraid, no matter how much the scales are tilted in the direction of supporting Al Franken, in Minnesota and in the rest of the country, the media will report the sentiment exactly as the radio host did as “mixed.” They also won’t look into the reports of Roger Stone being involved. Now that the talking heads on TV have contributed to the villainization and victimization of Al Franken, the matter will be closed, and nobody with the means to clear his name will make any attempt to do so. Therefore, Dems will continue to fold like a cheap suit every time there is an allegation against anyone they deem expendable. If they won’t fight for someone whom they know is a good and decent person, how do I trust any of them to fight for us?

  8. the loony tic

    bravo knoodles! i couldn’t have said it better. the holier than thou female senators of the dim-ocratic party are like a parent with a ciggy hanging from their mouth telling their kids not to smoke. all this hyperbole so they can try to oust moore & twitler. franken deserved so much better!

    • Thanks Loony! ❀

      Al Franken is a much better person that I am. If they had done to me what they did to him, I would literally spit in their faces on my way out the door, especially the ones who might have a tear in their eye. 😑

  9. Becky

    Thank you for this, been so ticked off this week I can’t even think straight. Nice to know I’m in good company!

    • Hi Becky!

      Welcome to The Raisin! πŸ˜€

      I know exactly how you feel. I have been in a rage for days now to the point of exhaustion. I wrote this missive for my own sanity, and I am so grateful to anyone who stops by and reinforces the idea that I might not yet be completely off my rocker.

      Hope to see you again soon. Thanks for commenting! πŸ™‚

  10. I’m in total agreement, Raisins. To compare Franken to Moore, or to Trump for god’s sake, is absurd. By the way, did’ja ever notice that Trump seems to have no sense of humor? I’ve never seen him laugh. Creepy.

    • chezmoi

      Jim, I’ve remarked the lack of humor. Also the lack of affection. It is just me, or is it creepy that he has never had a pet? I mean, I even like spiders, so it could be me that’s weird. Okay.

      • He has a pet now–Mike Pence.

        By the way, I read that all of Mike Pence’s pets are dying. I tend to think they might be incidents of suicide, but I’m not totally unconvinced that the deaths might be warnings from Putin. πŸ˜‰

    • Hi Jim,

      Welcome to The Raisin! πŸ˜€

      Like I said in a comment above, there is something called proportionality. Spitting on the sidewalk and first degree murder are both crimes, but they don’t call for the same punishment. The only thing I know for a fact is that Al Franken posed for a stupid and juvenile picture. I would bet, even if it was dumb, that there is a story behind it. There are pictures I have of me and of other people that would be offensive until you understood what happened before it was taken.

      As for Twitler, I have never seen any true emotion from him other than anger. I don’t think he is capable of feeling anything for anyone other than himself. I won’t call him mentally ill, because I think that is a disservice to people who really are. He’s just a spoiled asshole who was always bailed out of trouble by his father, bought politicians, banks, and now the Rethugs and Russia. He’s an overgrown toddler who throws tantrums until he gets his own way. He’s an ignorant asshole who is too lazy to educate himself. His children are just like their grifter father. Creepy, indeed.

      Sorry for the rant. Thanks for stopping by and commenting, Jim. Hope to see you again soon. πŸ™‚

  11. Jo

    I love you. Thanks!

  12. Nonnie,
    Thank you, I hope Gillibrand reads your blog. I do not want Franken to resign on such spurious allegations. What was Gillibrand thinking when she announced herself judge & jury.

    • Hello Lorennv,

      Welcome to The Raisin! πŸ˜€

      I am heartbroken over Al Franken resigning. It was so unnecessary. What really got me today was that I read that, when he was giving his speech and afterwards, the same morons who forced him resign were crying, hugging him and patting him on the back. What? They weren’t afraid of being permanently scarred psychologically if he put his hand on their waists?

      Every time the sting starts to fade a little, something makes me angry all over again.

      Thanks for stopping by and commenting. πŸ™‚

  13. Buttemilk Sky

    Hi. New reader here. I run a blog where I also noted that this is taking on the features of a blacklist, with improper behavior in place of the incorrect politics of the 1950s. Instead of naming names, the culprits will have to enter rehab and cry on TV. As for Franken, unless there is more we haven’t heard about, all his “groping” took place in front of witnesses, which suggests he didn’t mean it to be taken seriously. It’s a long way from driving a 14-year-old to a house in the woods. And he used to be a comedian, not a clergyman or a judge — oh, wait.

    Nice to meet you. I’ll stop by again.

    • Hello Buttemilk Sky,

      Welcome to The Raisin! πŸ™‚

      Feel free to link over to your blog. We are all one big happy family.

      When Al Franken walks away, my heart will be broken. We will be losing one of the most effective and smartest senators. He ran for office for all the right reasons, and losing him is a punch in the gut.

      Hope to see you again soon.

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