Today’s House Judiciary Committee’s Rethuglican highlights:
Doug Collins (GA)—Unintelligible, as 194 dB is the maximum undistorted sound pressure level that can be transmitted on Earth, and Collins apparently can only speak at 200 dB.
Matt Gaetz (FL)—Floriduhhh Man referenced Hunter Biden’s admitted past substance abuse problems, only to be slammed by Hank Johnson (D-GA) as a pot trying to call the kettle black. Gaetz responded by scratching his nuts and grabbing a beer and his car keys. Oh, and what fun it was to take my glasses off and see this twat disappear into the wall in the background, which was the same color as his face. All I could see was hair and his stupid smile, like a drunk stupid Cheshire cat.
Debbie Lesko (WI)—Read the partyline talking points straight off the fax machine and then had a Twitter fight with Bette Midler.
Jim Jordan (OH)—High on the fumes from the Tinactin he uses for jock itch, Gym introduced amendment after amendment and showered Twitler with praise in between trips to the locker room.
Louie Gohmert (TX)—Made good use of his Thesaurus to describe how annoyed, chagrined, disconcerted, displeased, dissatisfied, irked, irritated, aghast, mortified, perturbed, astounded, vexed, shocked, dismayed, offended and appalled he is that the Democrats want to actually uphold the Constitution.
Jim Sensenbrenner (WI)—Apparently practiced his ornery condescending face last night. He’s retiring after this term to spend more time being disdainful to his family.
Steve Chabot (OH)—Assigned to do Twitler reelection commercials and lick Twitler’s balls
Ben Cline (VA)—Not sure who this guy is, but when I turned to look at the TV, there he was. Maybe it was a commercial for cereal or something.
John Ratcliffe (TX)— “Is it ever okay to invite a foreign government to become involved in an election involving a political opponent? The answer is yes!” I can’t even.
Tom McClintock (CA)—Where the fuck did this guy come from? Has he been on before? Oh, yeah, he’s the asshole who asked the witnesses if they voted for Twitler. Who really gives a shit about anything he said after that?
Ken Buck (NY)—On obstruction: “I am baffled, and the more I think about it the more I’m baffled.” Who voted for this schmuck? I am baffled, and the more I think about it the more I’m baffled.
Martha Roby (AL)—I think she was there but had to leave early to wash her hair.
Mike Johnson (LA)—On Twitler being a corruption-fightin’ crusader: “Everybody at home knows this. The president has been talking about foreign governments, and foreign corruption and the misuse of American taxpayer treasure since before he ran for president. He tweets about this all the time. Everybody knows this. It’s just one of things that’s just well understood.” Everyone erupted in laughter, and the committee had to take an emergency pee break.
Andy Biggs (AZ)—He wore an ugly ass plaid tie, and I don’t know what he said, because I kept wondering if that was a gift of tartan from Christopher Steele. I liked him better when he he sang with his brothers. Oh wait, that was Andy Gibb.
Kelly Armstrong (ND) and Gregory Steube (FL)—Their names are on the list of Rethuglican members of the committee, but I honestly couldn’t tell you if they were there or not. The only thing I remember about Steube, the other Floriduhhh Man, is that the suit he wore the other day resembled a suit my father had before he had a job.
Guy Reschenthaler (PA)—The only reason I knew who this guy was is because I googled Who the fuck is that asshole? and his name showed up first. This guy with resting grinning asshole face apparently did a social studies report yesterday on Pennsylvania and couldn’t wait to show off all he learned about his own state.
Eric Swalwell (D-CA), Hakeem Jeffries (D-NY) and Jamie Raskin (MD), among others—smacked the shit out of the Goopers and didn’t even break a sweat.
It’s 9:00 EST, and the committee just took a break. They’ll be back pretty soon, just in time for Twitler to break 14 or 15 more laws.