Ron Paul, Check Your Brows-er

From The New York Times:

IT wasn’t quite the slip-up (or slip-down, as it were) most people expect during a presidential campaign, but whatever happened to Ron Paul’s eyebrows at Tuesday night’s debate certainly caught some viewers’ attention.

For those of you not yet riveted by the Republican race, Mr. Paul, the dark-horse libertarian with equally dusky brows, was a victim of hot lights, faulty adhesive or merely a devilish optical illusion when his right eyebrow seemed to dip toward the stage at Dartmouth College.

Seen on television, Mr. Paul appeared to have a second, thinner brow under the one headed south, creating a delicate X over his right eye.

To tell you the truth, kids, I didn’t even notice, so it probably wasn’t that obvious.

(additional pictures below)

Jesse Benton, a campaign spokesman, insisted that Mr. Paul had been the victim of the elements, namely a heavy pollen season in New Hampshire, and called accusations that he’d been artificially enhancing “stupid” and “insulting.”

So he sneezed his eyebrow off?

Whatever the cause, eyebrow toupees appear to be a flourishing business. Experts in the field of eyebrow maintenance said that if the falling follicles were artificial, the buck should stop somewhere. Marina Valmy de Haydu, the executive vice president of the Christine Valmy beauty schools, said most glues used to apply false eyebrows were designed to withstand the rigors of stage lights and intense questions about the national debt.

“Those glues are almost indestructible,” Ms. De Haydu said. “So whoever put it on for him did not put it on correctly.”

Not that anyone did.

I was thinking, kids, that if Ron Paul wears fake eyebrows, maybe he should try some different styles.  You know how i love helping the Rethugs, so I put together some suggestions. With candidates like Botox Batshit Bachmann and Herb Herman 9-9-9 Cain getting all the attention, I think Crazy Ol’ Ron needs a bit of a dramatic flair. And nobody does drama like Joan Crawford…

But it’s not just about getting attention, it’s about getting votes. So let’s see what we can do to attract some voters to Crazy Ol’ Ron. Here’s an idea. He can make believe that he cares about the environment and go with some colorful caterpillars. To appeal to the Teabaggers and the fundie right, he can tell them that the caterpillars are dead. They love when things are killed…

Of course, if he’s going for those who like science (you know, non-Rethuglicans), then what better draw than the science officer himself, Mr. Spock? Maybe he can fool some people into thinking some of his utter bullshit is logical…

We know that the Rethuglicans are not very popular with minority voters, so what better to attract some Latino votes than Frida Kahlo’s unibrow?

Then again, never discount the classics, especially if you want people to think you have a lighter side. Besides, Crazy Ol’ Ron might attract some Marxist votes with a little help from Groucho…

Maybe he wants to go the lovable curmudgeon road. Andy Rooney gave up his regular gig on 60 Minutes, so maybe he’d be willing to lend Crazy Ol’ Ron his trademark eye awnings…

The base is very important, too, so I suggest a Ming the Merciless vibe. That will certainly appeal to those who cheer executions and don’t care if a woman bleeds to death, because she was denied an abortion at an emergency room…

But, you know, I think that maybe it’s best that Crazy Ol’ Ron stick with his true self.   Oscar the Grouch eyebrows are the ones that look the most natural…