Toady Foster

From VANITY FAIR:

On Monday, Trump convened his first full Cabinet meeting since taking office, gathering the heads of every major government agency for a press gaggle around the elliptical mahogany table that occupies a prominent place in the West Wing. Traditionally, the media is present only at the beginning of such meetings, during which the president makes a brief statement and a few photos are snapped before a review of the administration’s progress continues behind closed doors. Trump tried something a little different.

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“Never has there been a president, with few exceptions . . . who has passed more legislation, done more things,” he began, hailing his purported accomplishments, even though Congress has yet to pass any major legislative bills. “We’ve achieved tremendous success. I think we’ve been about as active as you can possibly be and at a just about record-setting pace.”

The public portion of the Cabinet meeting would, in more ordinary times, have ended at that point. Instead, the event remained open as each member of the Cabinet attempted to outdo the president’s praise for himself, thanking him profusely and occasionally genuflecting before the press as they described what a humbling, life-changing privilege it was to be a part of Trump’s efforts to Make America Great Again. It was, New York Times reporter Glenn Thrush tweeted, “the most exquisitely awkward public event I’ve ever seen.”

Awkward? You decide.

MIKE PENCE: “It is just the greatest privilege of my life is to serve as the — as vice president to the President who’s keeping his word to the American people and assembling a team that’s bringing real change, real prosperity, real strength back to our nation.”

(Then he made sure he wasn’t touching any women at the table.)

SONNY PERDUE (Agriculture): “I want to congratulate you on the men and women you’ve placed around this table. … This is the team you’ve assembled that’s working teeny tiny hand in glove with — for the men and women of America, and I want to — I want to thank you for that. These are — are great team members and we’re on your team.”

ELAINE CHAO (a/k/a Mrs. Mitch Yertle McConnell, Transportation): ““Thank you for coming over to the Department of Transportation. Hundreds and hundreds of people were so thrilled to hang out, watching the whole ceremony. I want to thank you for getting this country moving again, and also working again.”

NIKKI HALEY (UN Ambassador): “It’s a new day at the United Nations. You know, we now have a very strong voice. People know what the United States is for, they know what we’re against, and they see us leading across the board. And so, I think the international community knows we’re back.”

(Ms Haley was walking through the UN, and she heard ambassadors from other countries murmur, Oh fuck, they’re back! And, by the way, “It’s a new day at the United Nations sounds a lot like “It’s a great day in South Carolina!” Get a new playbook, Nikki.)

WILBUR ROSS (Commerce): zzzzzzz, huh? Where am I? Oh, yeah. “Other countries are gradually getting used to the fact that the free rides are over now.”

REINCE PRIEBUS (Chief of Staff and Golf Caddy): “On behalf of the entire senior staff around you, Mr. President, we thank you for the opportunity and the blessing you’ve given us to serve your agenda and the American people, and we’re continuing to work very hard every day to accomplish those goals.”

ALEXANDER ACOSTA (Labor): “I am privileged to be here — deeply honored — and I want to thank you for your commitment to the American workers especially the ones you stiffed after they did work for you.”

JEFF SESSIONS (Attorney General and Head Elf):  “We are receiving, as you know — I’m not sure the rest of you fully understand — the support of law enforcement all over America. They have been very frustrated. They are so thrilled that we have a new idea that we’re going to support them and work together to properly, lawfully fight the rising crime that we are seeing. … The response is fabulous around the country. Please don’t fire me!”

RICK “LITTLE RICKY GOODHAIR” PERRY (Energy): “We are still going to be leaders in the world when it comes to the climate, but we are not going to be held hostage to some executive order that was ill-thought-out. My hats off to you for taking that stand and sending a clear message around the world.”

(Little Ricky Goodhair loved the Paris Accord almost as much as he loves corndogs before he became Energy Secretary)

SCOTT PRUITT (EPA Detractor Administrator):  “I actually arrived back this morning at 1 o’clock from Italy and the G-7 summit focused on the environment. And our message there was the United States is going to be focused on growth and protecting the environment. And it was received well.”

JAMES MATTIS (Defense): “Mr. President, it’s an honor to represent the men and women of the Department of Defense. And we are grateful for the sacrifices everyone but you our people are making in order to strengthen our military so our diplomats always negotiate from a position of strength. Thank you.”

LINDA McMAHON (Small Business Administration: “I’ve been traveling around the country, and what I’m continuing to hear is this renewed optimism from small businesses.”

(She was the head of WWE, and her remarks are as real as professional wrestling.)

JOHN KELLY (Homeland Security): “In the five months that I’ve been at the job, we have gone a long way to facilitate the — improve the legal movement of people and commerce across our borders, yet at the same time, we have gone a long way to safeguarding our borders, particularly the southern border, working with all of our partners to the south.”

(Kelly needs to work on run-on sentences. If there is a disaster, the whole fucking country will be decimated by the time he gets done with one sentence.)

DAN COATS (Director of National Intelligence): “It’s a joy to be working with the people that I have inherited, and we are going to provide — continue to provide you with the very best intelligence we can, so you can formulate policies to deal with these issues.”

(Note: Then he had a flashback to testifying before the Senate Intelligence Committee and had to be carried from the room, frothing at the mouth and mumbling unintelligibly.)

RYAN ZINKE (Interior): “Mr. President, as your SEAL on your staff … it’s an honor to be your steward of our public lands and the generator of energy dominance. I am deeply honored.”

(Then he balanced a ball on his nose.)

BETSY DeVOS (Education): “It’s a privilege to serve, to serve the students of this country, and to work to ensure that every child has an equal opportunity to get a great education, and therefore a great future.”

(Then she went out, found some elementary school students and kicked each one in the crotch.)

MIKE POMPEO (CIA Director): “I am not going to say a damn thing in front of the media.” (Of course, that meant he had to blow Twitler later.)

REX TILLERSON (State): “Thank you for the honor to serve the country. It’s a great privilege you’ve given me.”

(Then he ran outside, filled Twitler’s car with gas and washed the windshield.)

MICK MULVANEY (Director of Office of Management and Budget, and Bloodsucker): “At your direction, we were able to also focus on the forgotten men and women who are paying taxes, so I appreciate your support on pulling that budget together.”

STEVEN MNUCHIN (Treasury):  “It’s been a great honor traveling with you around the country for the past year, and an even greater honor to be serving you on your Cabinet.”

(Serving him? Not the country? Just sayin’.)

BEN CARSON (Housing and Urban Development):  “Mr. President, its been a great honor to — to work with you. Thank you for your strong support of HUD and for all the others around this table that I’ve worked with.” Then Mr. Carson added, “Oh! Where’s my luggage?” and ran off.

DAVID SHULKIN (Veterans Administration): “Mr. President, thank you for your support and commitment to honoring our responsibility to America’s veterans. I know that this is personally very important to you and a fuck lot easier than serving yourself or sending one of your shithead sons to serve.”

ROBERT LIGHTHIZER (U.S. trade representative): “I apologize for being late for work. For about four months, I got bogged down in that swamp you’ve been trying to drain.”

(I live in South Floriduhhh, so I know swamps, and I can attest to the fact that, if you drain a swamp, what was sitting in that room is what would remain after the swamp is drained.)