So, kids, who watched the Jeff Beauregard Sessions’s testimony before the Senate Intelligence Committee today? If you missed it, no prob. I have the important points. After Chairman Richard Burr and Vice Chairman Mark Warner made their statements, Beauregard gave his opening statement:
“Let me say this clearly: I have never met with or had any conversations with any Russkies, and any person who says I did is a scurrilous scoundrel of the highest order, and the very thought of it gives me the vapors!”
“I was your comrade…I mean, colleague in this body for 20 years, and I have served with honor for over 35 years. If you don’t believe me, just ask me, because I will vouch for me any day of the week. I would never side with Russia to hurt this country, and to say otherwise is an appalling and detestable lie! In closing, as God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again.”
He denied ever meeting Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak except for the times he met with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak. With that, and a half-gallon of water consumed due to General Sessions’s battle with Rubio Syndrome, he took questions from the committee.
Senator Ron Wyden questioned him on why he recused himself from the Russia investigation. Beauregard turned and threw a projectile at a dartboard covered with previous reasons for recusing himself. The explanation he landed on this time was that he is so righteous that he naturally recused himself, because he was an adviser on the Twitler campaign. Then he worked himself into such lather that a cloud of sweet talcum powder appeared around his head. Referring to James Comey’s testimony last week, Beauregard complained that he is a victim of “secret innuendo” leaked about him. At this point, the Attorney General’s aides picked their swooning boss up from his booster chair and placed him gently on a fainting couch.
Senator Martin Heinrich talked about buckets, but I can’t tell you what he said, because I got lost in his dreamy eyes. What did get through is that Beau will not talk about anything he talked about with President Twitler, because of some imaginary Justice Department rule that he cannot produce. He was not invoking Executive Privilege, but he won’t answer in case Twitler wants to invoke it later on.
I want you to remember that, kids, just in case you are ever required to act as a witness. When asked about your conversations with a suspect/defendant, just tell the police/lawyer/prosecutor/judge you don’t want to say anything in case the suspect/defendant might decide later on that s/he doesn’t want you to say anything. This, apparently, is the new law of the land.
Let’s see, what else? Senator Jim Risch asked questions, answered them himself, and declared the entire thing to be a total waste of time. Senator Roy Blunt tongue-kissed the witness and said hello to Mrs. Attorney General Mary Sessions in hopes that, if he has a grandson, she will knit the kid a baby blanket.
Tom Cotton and Beauregard had a little tea party in which they discussed spy novels. It was riveting. The real winner today was Senator Lindsey Graham. Lindseypoo is not on the committee and was not present, but watching Cotton and Beauregard had to make anyone watching think that Lindseypoo is a masculine stud.
Senator Kamala Harris attempted to grill Beauregard on his make-believe excuse for not talking about his conversations with Twitler. Someone woke up Grandpa John McCain so he could once again he a dick to her.
I think I have touched upon all the important stuff that happened. For those of you who were unable to watch the hearing, I hope this helped. For those who watched, please post your observations in the comments as to anything I forgot to add.