The Saga of Bristol and Levi

Since Bristol Palin decided to shake her derriere on Dancing With the Stars, she and her mother can’t bellyache about her being a private person and, therefore, immune from scrutiny. I thought we’d take a look at the love story that was Bristol and Levi Johnston. It begins, I suppose, with what the two were doing right under the noses of Princess Sarah and Toddy, Fundy Christian Abstinence-only Parents of the Year…

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Don’t Dance, Don’t Tell

I just got home, and I have nothing prepared, so I’m dusting off another American Street oldie goldie. Since Captain Underpants is being a total dick about DADT, I picked out a post about him. It was originally posted on March 19, 2008.

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Hey kids! Anyone else watch Dancing With the Stars? Yeah, I admit it, I have watched every season. I am just getting over the nightmares I had last season after seeing the flesh on Wayne Newton’s face stretched so tight that, every time he raised his eyebrows, his manboobs jiggled. So anyway, I tune in to watch this season, and there’s Priscilla Presley with so much botox and collagen in her face that she has to wear this around her neck! Seriously, these people are so friggin’ rich, and they still can’t afford a plastic surgeon who doesn’t make people look like The Joker from Batman? She couldn’t even smile!!! I’m not kidding! I bet she has to eat through a straw, because I don’t think her jaw can move enough to chew! Seriously, you have to watch just to see her face!

But I digress. This isn’t about Dancing With the Stars, Mr. Danke Schoen, or Elvis’s ex. So what is this about? Damned if I remember. Hold on, I think I wrote it down somewhere……Oh, yeah!! It’s about Captain Underpants John McCain! Dancing John McCain!
It all started back in April of 2007. I reported on Captain Underpants’s John McCain’s trip to Baghdad. That’s when I first spotted his propensity for dancing.

(You can find a larger version and the song he was dancing to here. Go ahead, sing along. I’ll wait for you.)

Trip the light fantastic with me, and I will show you more of Captain Underpants’s John McCain’s twinkletoes, as well as some advice I have for him.

Unreality TV

From the CHICAGO SUN-TIMES:

Things keep getting interesting behind the scenes on ”Dancing With the Stars.” A show insider says, ”Move over, Michael Bolton! Bristol Palin is now out-diva-ing you!”

The source said the daughter of former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin has become a constant pain in the rear for “DWTS” staffers. ”Clearly she didn’t read the fine print on her contract — and that’s just a figure of speech. There’s nothing hidden in the contracts,” said the ”Dancing” source.

”Otherwise, Bristol wouldn’t be complaining about all the things contestants are required to do.”

Bristol and Mike The Situation Sorrentino, like their predecessor on DWTS, Kate Gosselin (whose only achievement to date seems to be squeezing out 8 kids), are now considered stars. Captain Underpants is flirting with Snooki on Twitter. Combine that with the news now becoming nothing but entertainment and the race for ratings, would this be inconceivable in the near future?
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Oh, the Horror!

From THE GAGGLE at Newsweek:

The last time we saw Tom DeLay, he was a scandal-ridden leper slinking back to Texas with nothing left but that giant, threatening smile that made even people who liked him kind of hate him. He had lost it all─his post as house majority leader, his congressional seat, his standing reservation at Signatures, Jack Abramoff’s expense-account lunchery for Republicans headed for ignominy, or prison, or both. Perhaps worst of all, DeLay had lost his mojo as “The Hammer,” the one guy you didn’t dare cross on Capitol Hill and expect to survive. Until the end, he cast himself as a victim of power-hungry Democrats, even though it was Republicans who ultimately threw him overboard. He knew how it worked—after all, he’d done the same thing to Newt Gingrich. And so DeLay went, but he didn’t like it, and like a character straight out of a Sergio Leone spaghetti Western, he promised to get justice and clear his name. “I’ll be back,” DeLay vowed.

Turns out he was right. Last night Tom DeLay made his comeback, and truly, it was a low moment in our nation’s long and stormy history, by which we mean it was totally and completely awesome in every imaginable way.

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Twinkletoes…make that Stinkletoes

From the Los Angeles Times:

Can the onetime “Hammer” of the U.S. House of Representatives do a mean Texas two-step?

In a move startling even by the outlandish standards of reality television, “Dancing With the Stars” announced Monday that former House Majority Leader Tom DeLay — a pugnacious politician under indictment for alleged money-laundering — will be a contestant in the upcoming season.

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Gimme That Ol’ Time Religion

From The New York Times:

Mitt Romney will deliver a speech entitled “Faith in America,” addressing his Mormon religion, on Thursday at the George H.W. Bush Presidential Library in College Station, Tex.

The George H. W. Bush Library? Hasn’t the old bastard caused us enough suffering already?

His campaign is describing the address as an opportunity for Mr. Romney to “share his views on religious liberty, the grand tradition religious tolerance has played in the progress of our nation and how the governor’s own faith would inform his presidency if he were elected.”

Religious tolerance? Hmmmm, I think I will ask all the Jews, Buddhists, Muslims, and atheists who are currently running for President about that.

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